Monday, August 10, 2009
Technology Crutch
For months I was relying on technology to get me through life. Instead of having communications with friends I would blog, twitter, facebook, myspace, email, and text. When I finally decided enough was enough and required face time and actually voice correspondence my world became much less complicated. I like the uncomplicated lifestyle. Life throws enough hurdles why add so many more obstacles in the way of healthy relationships. If I would tweet something then I had to add it to my status on both FB and myspace, then I had to blog about it. Heaven forbid if I didn't text everyone or email. So lame. My life became so filled with computer time that I was forgetting how to talk. Thankfully those days are gone.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Finally!!
There's that smile! It's been play peek-a-boo with me for years now, but now it here. No matter what it's finally sticking. I don't know if I can rightly explain it. Since before the divorce I felt lost; my world changed without considering what I wanted. I've been slowly dealing with it, the ups and downs. Gil was right, once I think I'm done dealing with one thing something else will crop up. There was one final piece, or at least I think it's final, that needed to be addressed; My trust of God and Godly men. I didn't realize that I felt as though I was let down by both, but I realize it now. Since I see what the issue is we, God and myself, will tackle it. Izzy and I have been talking about this for a little while now and I was going through the motions, but not letting our words go to my heart. Now this week, on Monday, He got me. Pinned me to the mat and convicted my heart. Finally I can work on this. I've found myself smiling and laughing for no reason. More and more colors are popping back to view. My faith was a huge piece of my world and I turned away from it out of fear. I'm not afraid anymore. I know I have strong hands to hold, faithful ears to hear me, and a nonjudgmental face looking back at me.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Self Torture
I don't know what my problem is. I frown though I have nothing to be down about. I am lacking motivation to get out and do what I love which is walking and gardening. Right now I am given the opportunity to do these things and if I don't jump on it now the moments will pass me by and I'll only have regrets. That is something I never want to deal with; regrets. They haunt and torture a soul. Quite frankly, I don't want that. I am too young to not do what I need to do. I am to strong to be moved from my goals. I am too optimistic to be beat down, even if it's myself who is doing the beating. Oh the internal struggles. Some days I need a straight jacket and long for the day to be thrown into a padded room, if not just for the peace and quiet. Then others I would love to just run and run; feel the sun, rain, and wind manipulate my body.
Okay, I'm so tired right now. I think I better sleep now. I will wake up and take my walk then go buy grandma her milk.
Okay, I'm so tired right now. I think I better sleep now. I will wake up and take my walk then go buy grandma her milk.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Found Innocence
When I was a younger girl I loved puddle jumping. The last time I recall going jumping was Junior year in high school. I arranged for a group of friends to go together. We all wore old, holey clothes; ones that our moms' won't mind if we got all wet, muddy, and ruined. The perfect day presented itself; it had been raining for days and the puddles on the Middle School track were gigantic. We hopped into Teddy's truck and off we went. The rain drops were huge, I remember them saturating my hair and water running down my face. I was running and jumps in huge puddles splashing dirty water all over the place. The best part was jumping into the puddles next to my friends and getting them even more soaked. Oh, I remember laughing and having the best time.
When I was younger I loved the rain. I would even wash my car in the rain. My dad thought I was crazy he would holler at me. Then shake his head and say, "that girl doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain." It would feel so good to feel the drops on my face.
I had forgotten that feeling until today. Today, I was in the back yard cutting roses for grandma. The sky began to open and little sprinkles started to falling. I felt a few drops on my nose and I ducked my head. I then realized I no longer have my glasses to protect from water spots. With a childlike grin I lifted my head and let the sprinkles dance on my face. With those few drops I recalled my puddle jumping, car washing, and the innocence of rain. For a split second I was carefree and innocent. That feeling made my heart smile.
A part of me grew back today. I hope I never forget this feeling. I hope I never hide my face from the rain.
When I was younger I loved the rain. I would even wash my car in the rain. My dad thought I was crazy he would holler at me. Then shake his head and say, "that girl doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain." It would feel so good to feel the drops on my face.
I had forgotten that feeling until today. Today, I was in the back yard cutting roses for grandma. The sky began to open and little sprinkles started to falling. I felt a few drops on my nose and I ducked my head. I then realized I no longer have my glasses to protect from water spots. With a childlike grin I lifted my head and let the sprinkles dance on my face. With those few drops I recalled my puddle jumping, car washing, and the innocence of rain. For a split second I was carefree and innocent. That feeling made my heart smile.
A part of me grew back today. I hope I never forget this feeling. I hope I never hide my face from the rain.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
My How Time Flies
I've been getting harassed by friends as to when I'm going to blog. I guess it's a good sign that I haven't; either I've been too busy or I just have nothing to say. I'm here tonight to say I've been very busy and don't have anything to say.
Since last month when I wrote I've been to an Expressions of Silence Weekend which I was camping for the weekend. I had a blast and met some wonderful new people and learned some great new signs. I had Lasix surgery so now I can see without glasses. I feel so liberated. I no longer am hiding behind the glasses I am living out loud (I hope). Also I went sky diving in Vegas with Mom, Anthony, and Izzy (who flew but didn't jump).
As you can see my life hasn't been short of adventure, just short on time to sit and blog about it. When I'm not out playing I'm doing homework, at school, taking care of grandma, or catching a much needed nap.
Here, is my blog for the week or month depending on how you look at it. Now I'm off to dreamland and hopefully will sleep soundly tonight. Oh, the last time I was able to sleep peacefully completely through the night; besides being drugged on Valium after my surgery was in Vegas when Izzy gave me a Benedryl. What does it tell you when you have to be medicated to get a restful nights sleep?
Since last month when I wrote I've been to an Expressions of Silence Weekend which I was camping for the weekend. I had a blast and met some wonderful new people and learned some great new signs. I had Lasix surgery so now I can see without glasses. I feel so liberated. I no longer am hiding behind the glasses I am living out loud (I hope). Also I went sky diving in Vegas with Mom, Anthony, and Izzy (who flew but didn't jump).
As you can see my life hasn't been short of adventure, just short on time to sit and blog about it. When I'm not out playing I'm doing homework, at school, taking care of grandma, or catching a much needed nap.
Here, is my blog for the week or month depending on how you look at it. Now I'm off to dreamland and hopefully will sleep soundly tonight. Oh, the last time I was able to sleep peacefully completely through the night; besides being drugged on Valium after my surgery was in Vegas when Izzy gave me a Benedryl. What does it tell you when you have to be medicated to get a restful nights sleep?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
New Addition
The great thing about life is no matter how much you think you know there is always more to learn. I love meeting new people because each new person I meet all have experiences that I have never had and with those experiences I get ideas. Yesterday I was speaking with some women who have been traveling; some were within the United States, others to the rest of the world. I think I'd like to hit some of the states. When I was a child we use to go on family vacations and my parents would introduce us to the world around us. I think as an adult I'd love to see what beauty our country has to offer. Therefore, I have a new addition to my list. Once a year at least I'd like to take some time to travel to another state.
Another fun thing to save for.
Another fun thing to save for.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Addendum
On my last blog, Just Rambling I stated that "...on Friday I will probably be wearing a smile...". Well, today is Friday and I am still indifferent. Here's the problem with this indifference, I am choosing to be indifferent. I don't want to move forward or step back and I think it's a terrible place to be. I know what needs to be done, yet I don't do it. Some would say it's just me being stubborn and I think they would be right. I am finding it easier to be indifferent than to follow through with what might actually need to be done. I don't want to deal with it. I know in the long run this indifference, my path of least resistance for the moment, will cause much more resistance and heartache than if I do what needs to be done in the present.
Also, my tongue hurts because of the Glade Plug-in incident of 95'. Stupid allergy.
Also, I just learned that Jaime Fox is responsible for the over-played, over-rated song Alcohol.
Also, I am really exhausted. I can't wait for tonight. I don't have any plans besides getting my hair done so I'm going to crash. My phone will be off and I will crawl into bed, finishing reading my play for school, and slip off to dreamland.
So about this indifference, I don't know what to do about it. It feels as though I am wearing cement shoes on the sidewalk. I can look up the street and see one thing, then I look down the street and see another. It's annoying to me not to take a step, yet I feel as though the shoes are too heavy. When in reality they're just little black flip-flops purchased from Target.
Also, my tongue hurts because of the Glade Plug-in incident of 95'. Stupid allergy.
Also, I just learned that Jaime Fox is responsible for the over-played, over-rated song Alcohol.
Also, I am really exhausted. I can't wait for tonight. I don't have any plans besides getting my hair done so I'm going to crash. My phone will be off and I will crawl into bed, finishing reading my play for school, and slip off to dreamland.
So about this indifference, I don't know what to do about it. It feels as though I am wearing cement shoes on the sidewalk. I can look up the street and see one thing, then I look down the street and see another. It's annoying to me not to take a step, yet I feel as though the shoes are too heavy. When in reality they're just little black flip-flops purchased from Target.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
JUST RAMBLING
I think it's interesting how life changes course so quickly. My world is so different from last week and entirely different from last month. I can't say which is better or which is worse. The ideas I had last month have evolved into this months actions. People who were in my life last month have disappeared, but they have left me with new ideas and thoughts. I do believe we meet people for a reason. I cannot say how long it is intended for them to be in our lives, but the marks they make will last a lifetime. I figure things rarely work out as I plan; and thank goodness for that. If everything went to how I planned I would be missing out on so much. I don't like heartache, rejection, confrontation, or sadness; however, those are necessary steps to be made while becoming the person I'm suppose to be. Out of trials, strength and confidence grows.
Today I am indifferent. I am the observer of my life; taking notes and paying attention to what's going on. Noticing the words and actions of those around me and watching the affect they have on my life. I find myself not wanting to laugh or cry, I just am. It's a weird place for me, I don't typically get here. I know that on Friday I'll be somewhere altogether different; probably wearing a smile. Today however, I will relish in the indifference and learn what I can from these moments.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Puzzling Puzzle Piece
You look at the box it states 1000 pieces. The picture is beautiful and serene; the place you've always wanted to visit and know you'd never want to leave. This puzzle is perfect, exactly what you've always wanted. You open the box and dump all the pieces out on the table, turning them right side up, and you separate them by color and shape. Then you prop the lid of the box up so you can begin. Always start with the edge pieces because those are the easiest to put together; anybody can do that!! As the puzzle progresses there is one area you want to work on because in your mind it is the most important portion of the puzzle. You grab a piece that matches in color and shape, you know that piece has to fit. It's perfect for the spot. You place it in the void and it doesn't fit so you turn it, again doesn't fit. "But I know it's right", you think to yourself. It's the right colors and the shape is perfect. You pick it up and look at it. Again you place it in the void this time a little more forcefully. You crinkle your brow and cock your head to the right, "hmmm" you think to yourself. As if reverting back to childhood you place the palm of your hand over the piece and push with all your might. As you pull your hand away you see that it just doesn't fit. The perfect piece cannot be crammed into the spot where it doesn't belong. Feeling defeated you take the piece out and place it to the side glancing at it every once in a while with disdain. You decide to focus on another part of the puzzle one that is easier with more distinguishable differences and pieces. With each piece placed in the proper spot the picture becomes even more clear. You allow your eyes to dart to the puzzling piece which did not fit where it should have, "where do you belong". As you get near to completing the puzzle everything begins to fall into place. You look at the perfect puzzle piece and finally you see where it belongs. It's the final piece which completes the perfect picture. With a triumphant sigh you pick up the piece, look at it, and place it in the void. Without forcing it, twisting it, or shaking it you place it right where it belongs and it just fits.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Dating Books
I've decided dating books have screwed the dating world up. For those of us who read them we often use the sacred words was if they were a Bible. We follow the letter of the law hoping to find the ever illusive savior who will rescue us from this crazy land called singlehood. For those in the single world who are smart and don't open the How To Find Your Perfect Mate jibberish, the ways of the "readers" are very foreign to them. As if our male and female differences weren't foreign enough, now the women are reading rules on how the perfect man is suppose to act and vice versa. The dating books are security blankets for those of us who strike out constantly at dating. Here's a conversation of the lunacy which perpetuated by the book:
"He's not calling me, what do I do"?
Look it up in the book. Wait three days
"Crap, it's been four days now what?"
Look it up in the book. Drop the guy he's not ready for someone as wonderful as you.
"But I really like him, now what do I do?"
Look it up in the book. Go to your local book store, mope to the self help section, pick the book on self-esteem (preferably by the same author), then stop by 7-11 buy a quart of your favorite Ben and Jerry's, and start over on page 1 (of both books, what a racket).
I think if we singles are to read dating books the men should read the ones written for women and women should read the written for men; therefore, we all will know what the others are expecting. Or I have an even better idea, DON'T READ THEM AT ALL. Here's a concept: be yourself and when the right one comes along he will accept you and you will accept him. He'll call you when he wants and you'll call him. The relationship will naturally flourish without the manual, which is a one size fits all book to depression.
Don't get me wrong I am enjoying being single. I love the freedom, the girl time, the shopping, and the dinners. What I don't like is going out on dates with men who are more interested in watching my chest and talking about themselves than to bother to find out who I am. Oh, or the man who manipulates and tries to wiggle his way into places where he shouldn't be. Here's an even better one, the one who's slightly interesting but have absolutely nothing to offer yet he believes that he has the world by the tail (how do you not role your eyes at that one?)
From the few men that I have had the pleasure of dating I've learned much about who I am, what I stand for, what my limits are, how to assert my boundaries, and happily I've discovered the qualities of the man I'm searching for. It won't take me long to spot him either as I have his picture etched in my brain. No I'm not over picky, no I'm not being absurd. He's out there riding his white horse just waiting for this damsel to cross his path. And I will cross it again; of that I'm certain.
Well, on that note I am going to sleep now hopefully I will sleep soundly and God will bring me peaceful dreams. Thanks for reading my blog. Thanks for thinking I've lost my mind, but continue to love me anyway.
"He's not calling me, what do I do"?
Look it up in the book. Wait three days
"Crap, it's been four days now what?"
Look it up in the book. Drop the guy he's not ready for someone as wonderful as you.
"But I really like him, now what do I do?"
Look it up in the book. Go to your local book store, mope to the self help section, pick the book on self-esteem (preferably by the same author), then stop by 7-11 buy a quart of your favorite Ben and Jerry's, and start over on page 1 (of both books, what a racket).
I think if we singles are to read dating books the men should read the ones written for women and women should read the written for men; therefore, we all will know what the others are expecting. Or I have an even better idea, DON'T READ THEM AT ALL. Here's a concept: be yourself and when the right one comes along he will accept you and you will accept him. He'll call you when he wants and you'll call him. The relationship will naturally flourish without the manual, which is a one size fits all book to depression.
Don't get me wrong I am enjoying being single. I love the freedom, the girl time, the shopping, and the dinners. What I don't like is going out on dates with men who are more interested in watching my chest and talking about themselves than to bother to find out who I am. Oh, or the man who manipulates and tries to wiggle his way into places where he shouldn't be. Here's an even better one, the one who's slightly interesting but have absolutely nothing to offer yet he believes that he has the world by the tail (how do you not role your eyes at that one?)
From the few men that I have had the pleasure of dating I've learned much about who I am, what I stand for, what my limits are, how to assert my boundaries, and happily I've discovered the qualities of the man I'm searching for. It won't take me long to spot him either as I have his picture etched in my brain. No I'm not over picky, no I'm not being absurd. He's out there riding his white horse just waiting for this damsel to cross his path. And I will cross it again; of that I'm certain.
Well, on that note I am going to sleep now hopefully I will sleep soundly and God will bring me peaceful dreams. Thanks for reading my blog. Thanks for thinking I've lost my mind, but continue to love me anyway.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Um What
The moment I begin to think things are finally beginning to fall into place my heart begins to soften, my mind wanders, and I hum a little more. Then POW BANG BOOM back to square one. Eric told me, "expect nothing". How do I do that? I mean it makes sense, if I expect nothing then I can't be disappointed. Yet if I expect nothing then how do I feel anything. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me other than be interested. I want someone to do with me like I want to do with them, which is to take me by the hand and show me everything. Invite me wholeheartedly into their life. Have the walls down. That's how I want to be treated because that's how I would them them. I have so much I want to do for someone, so much I want to say. So much to show them and so much to feed them. I don't need to be attached at the hip, but to just live life together yet have our own lives. I'm not stopping living because I don't have that special someone; because right now I'm my own special someone. There are times I just want someone their. Luckily, I have my dear friends. They like me dragging them all over Southern California.
I just thought it was done, the searching I mean. It's so frustrating. What upsets me so much is that fact that I have the capability of hurting people. This is something I would never do on purpose. It saddens me to think that I do.
I'm feeling so much right now which is why this blog is a jumbled mess. Not really a rhyme or rhythm. Doesn't help that I'm exhausted. I think I'll go to sleep now. I have a busy day which will start bright and early.
Sorry the entertainment factor isn't in this blog today. I guess it's mainly for my benefit.
I just thought it was done, the searching I mean. It's so frustrating. What upsets me so much is that fact that I have the capability of hurting people. This is something I would never do on purpose. It saddens me to think that I do.
I'm feeling so much right now which is why this blog is a jumbled mess. Not really a rhyme or rhythm. Doesn't help that I'm exhausted. I think I'll go to sleep now. I have a busy day which will start bright and early.
Sorry the entertainment factor isn't in this blog today. I guess it's mainly for my benefit.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Still Happy....Yet Human
Let me start this blog with a disclaimer. I am a blessed woman. I am a happy woman. And I am a woman who is fulfilled with family, friends, and the aspiration of finding true love.
Today is Friday, the last day of a very tiring week. Homework was long, school was long, work was long, but rest time was not very long.
I'd like to share what I want to do. I want more than anything to have someone hug me, the biggest hug ever and just let me melt. I don't want a hug where I feel I have to give, I just want to receive. This may sound selfish, but I have wants and needs too. Taking care of grandma is a wonderful way to spend my time; however, it is very thankless. Today, because I am so tired I just want someone to do for me. Cook me a nice little dinner while having a glass of wine, rub my back, let me lean on him while we watch TV, eat ice cream, and then snuggle in bed and fall asleep together all warm, cozy, and at peace with the day. I feel pathetic even writing this, but it's how I feel at this time. I know this feeling will pass as it always does after a hot shower with yummy scented body wash and a good nights rest.
Today is Friday, the last day of a very tiring week. Homework was long, school was long, work was long, but rest time was not very long.
I'd like to share what I want to do. I want more than anything to have someone hug me, the biggest hug ever and just let me melt. I don't want a hug where I feel I have to give, I just want to receive. This may sound selfish, but I have wants and needs too. Taking care of grandma is a wonderful way to spend my time; however, it is very thankless. Today, because I am so tired I just want someone to do for me. Cook me a nice little dinner while having a glass of wine, rub my back, let me lean on him while we watch TV, eat ice cream, and then snuggle in bed and fall asleep together all warm, cozy, and at peace with the day. I feel pathetic even writing this, but it's how I feel at this time. I know this feeling will pass as it always does after a hot shower with yummy scented body wash and a good nights rest.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
It's About Time
I'm happy; really happy. No pressures, no guilt, no pity; that's all done. I was sitting on the beach this last Saturday watching people, listening to the sounds, and I really decided this spot that I'm in right now is a blessing. I guess it wasn't a decision it was a shift. I'm letting go of the baggage from the past. And I'm ready to slowly embrace the future and whatever it holds.
I like thinking about the many lives I've led. The experiences I've had and the learning opportunities that have cropped up. Each life and opportunity has molded me to take on the life that is set before me; whatever it may hold. Here a deep thought; Life is like a role playing game. I use to watch Jeremy play the games and he'd have to go from character to character and have a conversation with them or buy something off them. With each conversation or new item he would earn experience points. Also each conversation and item helped him get to the next level. I realize life is not a game and the people that enter into our lives are not just pawns to enhance our life. Though I do believe that God allows people go come and go though our life and we have the opportunity to embrace what they have to teach or disregard the experience as a mistake. I've learned so much from the friends both male and female; my family; my dates; my boyfriends; and my loves. Each have played significant roles in helping me appreciate myself, the world, and my future. Each have inspired me to live differently; to live better.
I've watched this evolution of self and recognize it's a process which will continue throughout my life. At this point, I'm looking at my world since I've moved to LA. I am blessed. I've pulled though the toughest part. I am saddened for the casualties along the way and hope that in some way they will feel at least some of the optimism that I hold. I no longer feel like a dove with a broken wing. I feel healed, released from chains. The colors of life that once faded to grey due to the divorce have not come back and they are brighter than ever. It's about time.
I like thinking about the many lives I've led. The experiences I've had and the learning opportunities that have cropped up. Each life and opportunity has molded me to take on the life that is set before me; whatever it may hold. Here a deep thought; Life is like a role playing game. I use to watch Jeremy play the games and he'd have to go from character to character and have a conversation with them or buy something off them. With each conversation or new item he would earn experience points. Also each conversation and item helped him get to the next level. I realize life is not a game and the people that enter into our lives are not just pawns to enhance our life. Though I do believe that God allows people go come and go though our life and we have the opportunity to embrace what they have to teach or disregard the experience as a mistake. I've learned so much from the friends both male and female; my family; my dates; my boyfriends; and my loves. Each have played significant roles in helping me appreciate myself, the world, and my future. Each have inspired me to live differently; to live better.
I've watched this evolution of self and recognize it's a process which will continue throughout my life. At this point, I'm looking at my world since I've moved to LA. I am blessed. I've pulled though the toughest part. I am saddened for the casualties along the way and hope that in some way they will feel at least some of the optimism that I hold. I no longer feel like a dove with a broken wing. I feel healed, released from chains. The colors of life that once faded to grey due to the divorce have not come back and they are brighter than ever. It's about time.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What a Feeling
You've heard the expression about the elephant in the room, right? Well, I've been dancing around the elephant in my head. Dealing with things that I didn't want to deal with because it would be too hard, or I'd hurt someones feelings. I am proud to say I am elephant free. I actually feel lighter!! I'm coming to the realization that I am not responsible for how other people respond to me, that is their responsibility. As long as I'm not malicious that is.
Now that I am lighter what am I going to do with myself? Am I going to muck all this beautiful space in my world up with more baby elephants, which will grow into gigantic creatures? No way. I've decided I will only let it what is good and healthy. I will cut my loses and run when my intuition tells me too. I will fight for what needs to be fought for. I will guard myself just enough to ensure my safety. I will make the next man show me he is worthy before I so easily hand over my most precious possession; my heart. Lessons learned, better late than never.
When I was going through my divorce my dear friends kept telling me to be selfish. Do for myself. Find what makes me happy. I thought that was terrible advise, why would I want to be selfish. They didn't mean to be selfish in a negative way; to disregard others. They meant to get in touch with myself. After two years I think I finally get it. They are so right. In May I was starting to take that leap. In December I finally did it. And now, wow! I have new friends, and hobbies that I always wanted to do but just never did. I indulge myself in Mexican food, long walks, massages, weekends with friends, margaritas, and new flip flops. I am confident in myself, but not the extent of being conceited or annoying. I can finally say that I am loving life. I am excited about all the adventures I'm going to embark on. I'm excited about all the people that I haven't met yet. And all the food I'm going to eat.
What a feeling to be able to really breath. To finally inhale without the weight of letting someone down hinder the full expansion of my lungs.
Now that I am lighter what am I going to do with myself? Am I going to muck all this beautiful space in my world up with more baby elephants, which will grow into gigantic creatures? No way. I've decided I will only let it what is good and healthy. I will cut my loses and run when my intuition tells me too. I will fight for what needs to be fought for. I will guard myself just enough to ensure my safety. I will make the next man show me he is worthy before I so easily hand over my most precious possession; my heart. Lessons learned, better late than never.
When I was going through my divorce my dear friends kept telling me to be selfish. Do for myself. Find what makes me happy. I thought that was terrible advise, why would I want to be selfish. They didn't mean to be selfish in a negative way; to disregard others. They meant to get in touch with myself. After two years I think I finally get it. They are so right. In May I was starting to take that leap. In December I finally did it. And now, wow! I have new friends, and hobbies that I always wanted to do but just never did. I indulge myself in Mexican food, long walks, massages, weekends with friends, margaritas, and new flip flops. I am confident in myself, but not the extent of being conceited or annoying. I can finally say that I am loving life. I am excited about all the adventures I'm going to embark on. I'm excited about all the people that I haven't met yet. And all the food I'm going to eat.
What a feeling to be able to really breath. To finally inhale without the weight of letting someone down hinder the full expansion of my lungs.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Who I'm Not
I'm not Sara, I only wanted what I thought was best for you.
I'm not Griselda, she's your wife.
I'm not your ex girlfriend, she couldn't see you.
I'm not your personal secretary.
I'm not your booty call.
I'm not your whipping boy.
I'm not your ace in the hole.
I'm not sitting around waiting for any one's call.
I'm not easy.
I'm not willing to be controlled.
I'm not going to start using the "F" word.
I'm not going to start using the "C" word.
I'm not going to start appreciating anyone using the "F" or "C" word.
I'm not going to get lower than a C in Geology.
I'm not a label whore.
You're not my father, you cannot reprimand me.
You're not my boss, you cannot belittle me.
You're not my God, you cannot judge me.
You're not my boyfriend, you have no say.
You are my friend, so be friendly.
I am Shannon.
I am trusting.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a granddaughter.
I am a niece.
I am a cook.
I am a baker.
I am a lover.
I am a fighter.
I am a student.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a signer.
I am a traveler.
I am a floral designer.
I am goofy.
I am patient.
I am appreciative.
I am layed back.
I am growing.
I am learning.
I am sensitive.
I am passionate.
I am fed up of being seen as someone who I'm not.
I'm not Griselda, she's your wife.
I'm not your ex girlfriend, she couldn't see you.
I'm not your personal secretary.
I'm not your booty call.
I'm not your whipping boy.
I'm not your ace in the hole.
I'm not sitting around waiting for any one's call.
I'm not easy.
I'm not willing to be controlled.
I'm not going to start using the "F" word.
I'm not going to start using the "C" word.
I'm not going to start appreciating anyone using the "F" or "C" word.
I'm not going to get lower than a C in Geology.
I'm not a label whore.
You're not my father, you cannot reprimand me.
You're not my boss, you cannot belittle me.
You're not my God, you cannot judge me.
You're not my boyfriend, you have no say.
You are my friend, so be friendly.
I am Shannon.
I am trusting.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a granddaughter.
I am a niece.
I am a cook.
I am a baker.
I am a lover.
I am a fighter.
I am a student.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a signer.
I am a traveler.
I am a floral designer.
I am goofy.
I am patient.
I am appreciative.
I am layed back.
I am growing.
I am learning.
I am sensitive.
I am passionate.
I am fed up of being seen as someone who I'm not.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Crankies
I just can't shake'em; the crankies that is. Am I creating them or is something else. Am I reacting or causing a reaction?
Have you ever had a time in your life when you try to figure out what is real and what isn't. What you've fabricated in your mind vs. what exists? Have you ever put so much thought into it that you begin to drive yourself a little nutty? You haven't...well me neither. But I'm sure if either of us had ever done that it would be maddening. I find it to be a little laughable because I know in a few days I will shake my head at myself and say, "Shan what a waste of effort and time you put into something (the obsessing) so trivial that could have been spent on something better like cleaning, studying, baking, or signing." I guess that's what I'd say if I'd ever experienced obsessing before!
Looking over my blogs I see something common throughout and maybe I dwell on it too much. If you've read them you know; it's love and security. Aren't those qualities one must possess internally before they can completely be appreciated from an external source? I say yes and no. "How can she be such a fence-sitter", you might be asking yourself. Well here's my answer. Absolutely you have to love yourself; be comfortable with yourself , your imperfections as well as you charms; you have to be secure with your abilities, appearance, knowledge or lack thereof; you have to be able to laugh at yourself, goodness knows others will laugh too. The love and security received from an outside source whether it be a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or partner enhances what you already acknowledge as truth about yourself. Experiencing the love and security from another is the most precious gift given and unmatched once received. You learn about life from a different perspective, you gain knowledge from anothers experiences, you learn patience and understand for another way of life. This appears to me similar to the chicken or the egg question: What came first the chicken or the egg.
Now I am less cranky and more sleepy. By blogging I remind myself of my beliefs; what I feel about the world around me; who I allow in that world; and how I respond to them. Also I harness my internal power to deal with fear. Oh yes I have fear, often I am confronted by the monster lurking in the closet. The face of my fear resembles heartache, rejection, ignorance, and complacency. These are horrible toxins that once released into my system destroys all that good and descent. That is a blog for another night. Tonight I've worked though the crankies; harnessed my light; and will change into my pajama's and head off to dreamland.
Yes this is silly but I have a song in my head and I'd like to blog-sing it for you:
Good night my someone, good night my love
Sleep tight my someone, sleep tight my love.
A star is shining it's bright as light,
so good night my someone good night.
True love may be whispered from heart to heart
when lovers are parted they say.
But I must depend on a wish and a star
as long as my heart doesn't know who you are
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
if dreams they'll be.
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish I may and I wish I might,
so good night my someone good night.
Have you ever had a time in your life when you try to figure out what is real and what isn't. What you've fabricated in your mind vs. what exists? Have you ever put so much thought into it that you begin to drive yourself a little nutty? You haven't...well me neither. But I'm sure if either of us had ever done that it would be maddening. I find it to be a little laughable because I know in a few days I will shake my head at myself and say, "Shan what a waste of effort and time you put into something (the obsessing) so trivial that could have been spent on something better like cleaning, studying, baking, or signing." I guess that's what I'd say if I'd ever experienced obsessing before!
Looking over my blogs I see something common throughout and maybe I dwell on it too much. If you've read them you know; it's love and security. Aren't those qualities one must possess internally before they can completely be appreciated from an external source? I say yes and no. "How can she be such a fence-sitter", you might be asking yourself. Well here's my answer. Absolutely you have to love yourself; be comfortable with yourself , your imperfections as well as you charms; you have to be secure with your abilities, appearance, knowledge or lack thereof; you have to be able to laugh at yourself, goodness knows others will laugh too. The love and security received from an outside source whether it be a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or partner enhances what you already acknowledge as truth about yourself. Experiencing the love and security from another is the most precious gift given and unmatched once received. You learn about life from a different perspective, you gain knowledge from anothers experiences, you learn patience and understand for another way of life. This appears to me similar to the chicken or the egg question: What came first the chicken or the egg.
Now I am less cranky and more sleepy. By blogging I remind myself of my beliefs; what I feel about the world around me; who I allow in that world; and how I respond to them. Also I harness my internal power to deal with fear. Oh yes I have fear, often I am confronted by the monster lurking in the closet. The face of my fear resembles heartache, rejection, ignorance, and complacency. These are horrible toxins that once released into my system destroys all that good and descent. That is a blog for another night. Tonight I've worked though the crankies; harnessed my light; and will change into my pajama's and head off to dreamland.
Yes this is silly but I have a song in my head and I'd like to blog-sing it for you:
Good night my someone, good night my love
Sleep tight my someone, sleep tight my love.
A star is shining it's bright as light,
so good night my someone good night.
True love may be whispered from heart to heart
when lovers are parted they say.
But I must depend on a wish and a star
as long as my heart doesn't know who you are
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
if dreams they'll be.
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish I may and I wish I might,
so good night my someone good night.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Reminder
Thank you Izzy for having dinner with me tonight!!
Tonight grandma, Izzy, and myself had pizza. Grandma was so happy with the cheese pizza. Finally we scored with the food she ate!
Through this blog I am making myself accountable for my feeling and reactions. I am cleaning up after dinner and I am having an overwhelming sense of sadness. My heart physically hurts; it feels like someone is beating my invisible twin. Nothing is out of the ordinary in my world; grandma is fine, my friends are awesome yet I can't shake this feeling. I am reminding myself that I am blessed and not to look at what I don't have but to acknowledge what I do have. Though I don't know if the haves and have nots of my life is what's bothering me. This can't be a girl moment. The feeling that I'm having right now makes me want to burrow my head into someones chest and be held in strong arms. I want to be lost in security and be reassured that all is well in my world. Sadly, I'm looking around and it's just me; me and a dish rag.
I guess this moment is a double reminder; the first is a reminder that I miss sharing moments, dinners, laughs, hugs, dish duty, tv watching, couch snuggling, and bedtime. The second is a reminder that I just had dinner with one of my best friends Izzy and the little love of my life my grandma, we shared laughs, hugs, and later I will watch Survivor with grandma and bring the evening to a close when I tuck her in bed with a kiss on the forehead.
So maybe this is a have/have not blog. I have more than many people have and recognize that the have not portions will one day be filled in but not yet. Not until my life is completely ready to accommodate it. Bummer!
Tonight grandma, Izzy, and myself had pizza. Grandma was so happy with the cheese pizza. Finally we scored with the food she ate!
Through this blog I am making myself accountable for my feeling and reactions. I am cleaning up after dinner and I am having an overwhelming sense of sadness. My heart physically hurts; it feels like someone is beating my invisible twin. Nothing is out of the ordinary in my world; grandma is fine, my friends are awesome yet I can't shake this feeling. I am reminding myself that I am blessed and not to look at what I don't have but to acknowledge what I do have. Though I don't know if the haves and have nots of my life is what's bothering me. This can't be a girl moment. The feeling that I'm having right now makes me want to burrow my head into someones chest and be held in strong arms. I want to be lost in security and be reassured that all is well in my world. Sadly, I'm looking around and it's just me; me and a dish rag.
I guess this moment is a double reminder; the first is a reminder that I miss sharing moments, dinners, laughs, hugs, dish duty, tv watching, couch snuggling, and bedtime. The second is a reminder that I just had dinner with one of my best friends Izzy and the little love of my life my grandma, we shared laughs, hugs, and later I will watch Survivor with grandma and bring the evening to a close when I tuck her in bed with a kiss on the forehead.
So maybe this is a have/have not blog. I have more than many people have and recognize that the have not portions will one day be filled in but not yet. Not until my life is completely ready to accommodate it. Bummer!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Bitter Blog
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
KISS MY ASS!
Here it is in sign language: ___ __ ___!
Beije minha bunda!
私のお尻にキスを！
Violets are blue,
KISS MY ASS!
Here it is in sign language: ___ __ ___!
Beije minha bunda!
私のお尻にキスを！
Besar mi culo!
Pupă-mă-n cur!قبلة لي الحمار!
Polib mi prdel!
Meaningful in Every Language!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Daydreams
I love to daydream. I've done it since I was a little girl. Waking up early before anyone else was up. Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling running stories through my head. I remember doing this since the Groton house, which means I was little. I do it even now. The day dreams of course are much more fun and exciting now, but I want to make them a reality. I decided I need to stop daydreaming and live.
Here's how this thought began; this morning I was awake before anyone else, laying in bed staring at the ceiling running stories through my head and I realized I need to get my butt out of bed and do what I keep thinking about. I want to have stories to tell my kids (all four of them!). I want to be who I am...uncensored. There are truths that I know about myself regardless of what others hint at. I am thoughtful, smart, outgoing, and interesting; therefore, I need to live as such.
Here's what I know. If you love me you'll keep up or let me run. Always know I'll come back if you let me breath and appreciate who I am. I will do the same for you because you have daydreams that you need to fulfill as well, and fulfilling them makes you who you are. Fulfilling the dreams will make us more fulfilled as people hence fulfilling each others life as well. I never want to be a dream squashier or piss on your pony (as I like to say). Therefore, love me for who I am and I will extend the same courtesy.
So this weekend I lived, I didn't daydream about it (well maybe about the Pier) but I lived it. I feel great, it's an amazing high to just do. To go out and do, to live. I want more.
I know one of my hang ups about doing and living is doing and living by myself. I know some people think that is bad that I can't be by myself. What is a short sighted thought on their part. I am the middle child in a family of four children; when have I ever been alone. From birth I've had the pleasure of experiencing things with someone, sharing with someone. I like to share. I feel like I'm missing out if I can't share. I come from a long line of sharers. My parents loved to teach by doing. We would go, see, and do; very hands on. That is how I am, that's how I like to be, that's how I want to be with my family, that's how I want to be with my friends.
In my early childhood I was very quiet because of my studder and my very outgoing sister. In my teens I was learning my voice and getting my life legs (life legs are the same theory as sea legs except referring to life...got it?), in my 20's I was married and lived for us and our future children. Now in my 30's unmarried, fully acclimated with my life legs, and comfortable with my occasional stammer I am ready to run and play. If I want to go to school, hell that's where I'm going. If I want to make a new friend and he happens to be tall, dark and handsome (wink) then tada he's in my life. If I want to jump out of an airplane, you best be believing I'll be wearing one of grandma's Depends! The world is my oyster.
Like I said earlier there is always room for love. Always room to share my experiences with someone. Always room for them to share theirs with me. But how can I be who I've always dreamed I could be if I don't get out and be me?
Let me tell you a story of a daydream that might have killed something special. I was married once. We were trying to start a family. We bought a house that was the perfect family house. It had enough room, a good yard, in a good school district. It had 4 bedrooms; one of which I didn't do anything with. I kept the door closed because that was going to be the nursery. I closed off part of myself especially for that when what I should have been doing is living. I should have opened the door and decorated! I should have filled the room with love and color, but instead I closed it off, shut it down and dwelled on what wasn't there. What a pity! You see, I'm not going to do that again. I will not shut the door because I don't have something, I will embrace what I do have which is my health, my friends, my youth, my hopes, and my dreams. I will live and decorate my heart with color and love. When the time is right my love and color will enhance someones world and theirs will do the same for mine, until then I will enhance my own.
I will never stop daydreaming I know I will do it even when I'm 90 years old sitting in my recliner staring out the window. Daydreaming is what inspires us, but living is what keeps us going.
Here's how this thought began; this morning I was awake before anyone else, laying in bed staring at the ceiling running stories through my head and I realized I need to get my butt out of bed and do what I keep thinking about. I want to have stories to tell my kids (all four of them!). I want to be who I am...uncensored. There are truths that I know about myself regardless of what others hint at. I am thoughtful, smart, outgoing, and interesting; therefore, I need to live as such.
Here's what I know. If you love me you'll keep up or let me run. Always know I'll come back if you let me breath and appreciate who I am. I will do the same for you because you have daydreams that you need to fulfill as well, and fulfilling them makes you who you are. Fulfilling the dreams will make us more fulfilled as people hence fulfilling each others life as well. I never want to be a dream squashier or piss on your pony (as I like to say). Therefore, love me for who I am and I will extend the same courtesy.
So this weekend I lived, I didn't daydream about it (well maybe about the Pier) but I lived it. I feel great, it's an amazing high to just do. To go out and do, to live. I want more.
I know one of my hang ups about doing and living is doing and living by myself. I know some people think that is bad that I can't be by myself. What is a short sighted thought on their part. I am the middle child in a family of four children; when have I ever been alone. From birth I've had the pleasure of experiencing things with someone, sharing with someone. I like to share. I feel like I'm missing out if I can't share. I come from a long line of sharers. My parents loved to teach by doing. We would go, see, and do; very hands on. That is how I am, that's how I like to be, that's how I want to be with my family, that's how I want to be with my friends.
In my early childhood I was very quiet because of my studder and my very outgoing sister. In my teens I was learning my voice and getting my life legs (life legs are the same theory as sea legs except referring to life...got it?), in my 20's I was married and lived for us and our future children. Now in my 30's unmarried, fully acclimated with my life legs, and comfortable with my occasional stammer I am ready to run and play. If I want to go to school, hell that's where I'm going. If I want to make a new friend and he happens to be tall, dark and handsome (wink) then tada he's in my life. If I want to jump out of an airplane, you best be believing I'll be wearing one of grandma's Depends! The world is my oyster.
Like I said earlier there is always room for love. Always room to share my experiences with someone. Always room for them to share theirs with me. But how can I be who I've always dreamed I could be if I don't get out and be me?
Let me tell you a story of a daydream that might have killed something special. I was married once. We were trying to start a family. We bought a house that was the perfect family house. It had enough room, a good yard, in a good school district. It had 4 bedrooms; one of which I didn't do anything with. I kept the door closed because that was going to be the nursery. I closed off part of myself especially for that when what I should have been doing is living. I should have opened the door and decorated! I should have filled the room with love and color, but instead I closed it off, shut it down and dwelled on what wasn't there. What a pity! You see, I'm not going to do that again. I will not shut the door because I don't have something, I will embrace what I do have which is my health, my friends, my youth, my hopes, and my dreams. I will live and decorate my heart with color and love. When the time is right my love and color will enhance someones world and theirs will do the same for mine, until then I will enhance my own.
I will never stop daydreaming I know I will do it even when I'm 90 years old sitting in my recliner staring out the window. Daydreaming is what inspires us, but living is what keeps us going.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I'm not Ready Yet
So, Dr. V called this morning to see how grandma is feeling; to check if she's gotten any better. My initial response was to say, "She's doing so well", but I know that her sleeping as increased and her body is slowly shutting down. I'm not ready to admit it yet.
I spoke with him about her appetite and how she wants and craves foods but nothing tastes right. He said that it's natural and he won't be surprised if within the next month or so she just stops eating. I not ready for that yet.
He's bringing the Hospice team back in because he doesn't want to wait until the last minute. He said he'd rather they be here for her last months. I'm not ready for that yet.
I thought we lost her last June and I grieved for her; what a miracle to have her here everyday. I'm not ready to grieve again.
She's my grandma who has turned into my little girl; I bath her, feed her, take care of her every need. She needs me for companionship and I need her as she is like my child. Watching her watch TV with that sweet smile on her face warms my heart. Listening to her throw a little fit because the chicken isn't quite the way she use to do it makes me want to kiss you forehead (while on the inside I'm rolling my eyes!). We sit at the kitchen table talking, watching her Soap Opera, solving all the worlds problems. I'm not ready yet.
She doesn't understand why she's still here. She doesn't want to wake up anymore. She's frustrated with her body and her mind. Yet she still opens her eyes every morning. She may be ready, but I'm not ready yet.
I spoke with him about her appetite and how she wants and craves foods but nothing tastes right. He said that it's natural and he won't be surprised if within the next month or so she just stops eating. I not ready for that yet.
He's bringing the Hospice team back in because he doesn't want to wait until the last minute. He said he'd rather they be here for her last months. I'm not ready for that yet.
I thought we lost her last June and I grieved for her; what a miracle to have her here everyday. I'm not ready to grieve again.
She's my grandma who has turned into my little girl; I bath her, feed her, take care of her every need. She needs me for companionship and I need her as she is like my child. Watching her watch TV with that sweet smile on her face warms my heart. Listening to her throw a little fit because the chicken isn't quite the way she use to do it makes me want to kiss you forehead (while on the inside I'm rolling my eyes!). We sit at the kitchen table talking, watching her Soap Opera, solving all the worlds problems. I'm not ready yet.
She doesn't understand why she's still here. She doesn't want to wake up anymore. She's frustrated with her body and her mind. Yet she still opens her eyes every morning. She may be ready, but I'm not ready yet.
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