Self Torture

I don't know what my problem is. I frown though I have nothing to be down about. I am lacking motivation to get out and do what I love which is walking and gardening. Right now I am given the opportunity to do these things and if I don't jump on it now the moments will pass me by and I'll only have regrets. That is something I never want to deal with; regrets. They haunt and torture a soul. Quite frankly, I don't want that. I am too young to not do what I need to do. I am to strong to be moved from my goals. I am too optimistic to be beat down, even if it's myself who is doing the beating. Oh the internal struggles. Some days I need a straight jacket and long for the day to be thrown into a padded room, if not just for the peace and quiet. Then others I would love to just run and run; feel the sun, rain, and wind manipulate my body.
Okay, I'm so tired right now. I think I better sleep now. I will wake up and take my walk then go buy grandma her milk.

Found Innocence

When I was a younger girl I loved puddle jumping. The last time I recall going jumping was Junior year in high school. I arranged for a group of friends to go together. We all wore old, holey clothes; ones that our moms' won't mind if we got all wet, muddy, and ruined. The perfect day presented itself; it had been raining for days and the puddles on the Middle School track were gigantic. We hopped into Teddy's truck and off we went. The rain drops were huge, I remember them saturating my hair and water running down my face. I was running and jumps in huge puddles splashing dirty water all over the place. The best part was jumping into the puddles next to my friends and getting them even more soaked. Oh, I remember laughing and having the best time.

When I was younger I loved the rain. I would even wash my car in the rain. My dad thought I was crazy he would holler at me. Then shake his head and say, "that girl doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain." It would feel so good to feel the drops on my face.

I had forgotten that feeling until today. Today, I was in the back yard cutting roses for grandma. The sky began to open and little sprinkles started to falling. I felt a few drops on my nose and I ducked my head. I then realized I no longer have my glasses to protect from water spots. With a childlike grin I lifted my head and let the sprinkles dance on my face. With those few drops I recalled my puddle jumping, car washing, and the innocence of rain. For a split second I was carefree and innocent. That feeling made my heart smile.

A part of me grew back today. I hope I never forget this feeling. I hope I never hide my face from the rain.

My How Time Flies

I've been getting harassed by friends as to when I'm going to blog. I guess it's a good sign that I haven't; either I've been too busy or I just have nothing to say. I'm here tonight to say I've been very busy and don't have anything to say.
Since last month when I wrote I've been to an Expressions of Silence Weekend which I was camping for the weekend. I had a blast and met some wonderful new people and learned some great new signs. I had Lasix surgery so now I can see without glasses. I feel so liberated. I no longer am hiding behind the glasses I am living out loud (I hope). Also I went sky diving in Vegas with Mom, Anthony, and Izzy (who flew but didn't jump).
As you can see my life hasn't been short of adventure, just short on time to sit and blog about it. When I'm not out playing I'm doing homework, at school, taking care of grandma, or catching a much needed nap.
Here, is my blog for the week or month depending on how you look at it. Now I'm off to dreamland and hopefully will sleep soundly tonight. Oh, the last time I was able to sleep peacefully completely through the night; besides being drugged on Valium after my surgery was in Vegas when Izzy gave me a Benedryl. What does it tell you when you have to be medicated to get a restful nights sleep?

New Addition

The great thing about life is no matter how much you think you know there is always more to learn. I love meeting new people because each new person I meet all have experiences that I have never had and with those experiences I get ideas. Yesterday I was speaking with some women who have been traveling; some were within the United States, others to the rest of the world. I think I'd like to hit some of the states. When I was a child we use to go on family vacations and my parents would introduce us to the world around us. I think as an adult I'd love to see what beauty our country has to offer. Therefore, I have a new addition to my list. Once a year at least I'd like to take some time to travel to another state.
Another fun thing to save for.

Addendum

On my last blog, Just Rambling I stated that "...on Friday I will probably be wearing a smile...". Well, today is Friday and I am still indifferent. Here's the problem with this indifference, I am choosing to be indifferent. I don't want to move forward or step back and I think it's a terrible place to be. I know what needs to be done, yet I don't do it. Some would say it's just me being stubborn and I think they would be right. I am finding it easier to be indifferent than to follow through with what might actually need to be done. I don't want to deal with it. I know in the long run this indifference, my path of least resistance for the moment, will cause much more resistance and heartache than if I do what needs to be done in the present.

Also, my tongue hurts because of the Glade Plug-in incident of 95'. Stupid allergy.

Also, I just learned that Jaime Fox is responsible for the over-played, over-rated song Alcohol.

Also, I am really exhausted. I can't wait for tonight. I don't have any plans besides getting my hair done so I'm going to crash. My phone will be off and I will crawl into bed, finishing reading my play for school, and slip off to dreamland.

So about this indifference, I don't know what to do about it. It feels as though I am wearing cement shoes on the sidewalk. I can look up the street and see one thing, then I look down the street and see another. It's annoying to me not to take a step, yet I feel as though the shoes are too heavy. When in reality they're just little black flip-flops purchased from Target.

JUST RAMBLING

I think it's interesting how life changes course so quickly. My world is so different from last week and entirely different from last month. I can't say which is better or which is worse. The ideas I had last month have evolved into this months actions. People who were in my life last month have disappeared, but they have left me with new ideas and thoughts. I do believe we meet people for a reason. I cannot say how long it is intended for them to be in our lives, but the marks they make will last a lifetime. I figure things rarely work out as I plan; and thank goodness for that. If everything went to how I planned I would be missing out on so much. I don't like heartache, rejection, confrontation, or sadness; however, those are necessary steps to be made while becoming the person I'm suppose to be. Out of trials, strength and confidence grows.

Today I am indifferent. I am the observer of my life; taking notes and paying attention to what's going on. Noticing the words and actions of those around me and watching the affect they have on my life. I find myself not wanting to laugh or cry, I just am. It's a weird place for me, I don't typically get here. I know that on Friday I'll be somewhere altogether different; probably wearing a smile. Today however, I will relish in the indifference and learn what I can from these moments.

Puzzling Puzzle Piece

You look at the box it states 1000 pieces. The picture is beautiful and serene; the place you've always wanted to visit and know you'd never want to leave. This puzzle is perfect, exactly what you've always wanted. You open the box and dump all the pieces out on the table, turning them right side up, and you separate them by color and shape. Then you prop the lid of the box up so you can begin. Always start with the edge pieces because those are the easiest to put together; anybody can do that!! As the puzzle progresses there is one area you want to work on because in your mind it is the most important portion of the puzzle. You grab a piece that matches in color and shape, you know that piece has to fit. It's perfect for the spot. You place it in the void and it doesn't fit so you turn it, again doesn't fit. "But I know it's right", you think to yourself. It's the right colors and the shape is perfect. You pick it up and look at it. Again you place it in the void this time a little more forcefully. You crinkle your brow and cock your head to the right, "hmmm" you think to yourself. As if reverting back to childhood you place the palm of your hand over the piece and push with all your might. As you pull your hand away you see that it just doesn't fit. The perfect piece cannot be crammed into the spot where it doesn't belong. Feeling defeated you take the piece out and place it to the side glancing at it every once in a while with disdain. You decide to focus on another part of the puzzle one that is easier with more distinguishable differences and pieces. With each piece placed in the proper spot the picture becomes even more clear. You allow your eyes to dart to the puzzling piece which did not fit where it should have, "where do you belong". As you get near to completing the puzzle everything begins to fall into place. You look at the perfect puzzle piece and finally you see where it belongs. It's the final piece which completes the perfect picture. With a triumphant sigh you pick up the piece, look at it, and place it in the void. Without forcing it, twisting it, or shaking it you place it right where it belongs and it just fits.