Heart Vs. Brain...May the Best Organ Win

"And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us."

Kahlil Gibran, from The Madman



I just liked this quote so I figured I'd share.



I wanted to ramble for a moment. My life revolves around a part of me that I don't seem to have any control over; my heart. I would like to gain control in order to rein it in and talk some sense into it. My heart and my mind seem to have a constant argument about what is important in this life. My heart would love to love someone; truly, 100%, love someone with every ounce of my being. Though my head is saying, "get your shit together first" and "don't fall just for fun". There is where the problem lies. In moments like these I rely on long walks, hot showers, and good books to distract me from the insanity which I can only chalk up to being a female. I am convinced that men don't have these sorts of dilemmas.



I won't get into the differences between men and women, as I am only a woman and most of the time have no idea what men are thinking or what they want. Well, I think I know what they want, but that is very female of me to assume that sex is the only thing on their brains. I also don't believe that. Men are wonderful, fun, and sexy creatures. Some would say they are simple, but I disagree. They are hard as hell to understand. If you're too nice they take advantage. If you're too assertive they walk away. The problem is finding the middle ground with men. What a pain in the ass.



We all know that I'm new to the world of men. I've only loved two in my lifetime and dated only three. I am under the impression that a good and respectable man would treasure a woman who is kind and sincere. I also believe that this sort of man does not have to be told how to respect and treasure a woman. Now I guess my confusion with this new world of men is distinguishing between the good/respectable men and the not so good/respectable men. How can you tell? How can you be honest with yourself once you are able to tell? How do you deal with one once you've found him? I've been reading up on this topic only to come to the conclusion that lesbians have the right idea!! Kidding of course, I'm not that type of gal (shivers).



Back to the struggle between my heart and brain. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need a man to make me happy. Do I love the company of a man, absolutely. Do I love their touch, sure. Do I crave their affection, definitely. Do I lose my mind when an attractive one is at my side; unfortunately, absolutely, sure, and definitely. See the problem? It saddens me. My brain on the other hand has the right idea. First off, "get my shit together". Am I at any real point in my life for a true, lasting, and real relationship? No. I'm 31 years old taking care of my grandmother. She is basically my child. She is my priority. Then of course there's school, which should be my next priority. I need to focus on that, as an education is something that no one can ever take from me. Plus, when I need to rely on myself solely to eat an education comes in handy to make the big bucks! Plain and simple I need to get my act together. But oh my heart. The longing of it to treasure a good man. To put him on a pedestal, treat him like there is no other. To cook for him, joke with him, watch TV and movies with him. To look at him as if he has captured my heart knowing that my heart is safe in his hands. This sort of feeling cannot be rushed or placed on someone who does not long for the same thing or someone who does not want to be cared for in this manner. So I guess I need my heart and mind to work together. They need to come to a compromise. My heart must understand that one day the man who will hold it will capture it without me having to tell him how to respect me. He will recognize that I am a good woman who deserves to be treasured. He will do this not because he will want me dote on him, but because I will be his precious gem. For this man my world will stop and because he has recognized me for the woman that I am he will be well taken care of. He will want for nothing, and never have to ask for his needs to be met. My heart must understand it needs to be patient as this sort of man doesn't fall from the sky and the likelihood of him just bumping into me isn't very high. So the compromise is the struggle. Yes, I want to have my shit together because it is not the man's job to complete me. I must be a complete person and not rely on him for that. Though my heart still longs for love. Still longs to dote. Still longs to spoil. What do I do with that? Get a dog? Distract it with hobbies or chocolate? How do I keep it out of trouble and keep it from getting broken? These are problems that even my brain can't solve. Maybe I should stay away from men. Goodness knows they don't come flocking my way. I don't want to stay away. Apparently I like the aggravation of not being with Mr. Right. Not being with someone who respects me. Why is that? I need to dive into that a little more, but not at this point. That will be a topic for another night.



Well now, the problem has not been resolved just dissected. It must be examined, fumbled though, pondered, prayed about, cried for, laughed at and I need to acknowledged that a conclusion will not be found. I will struggle with the question, "to love or not to love". But rest assured I will not give up on the quest for complete understanding and devotion to myself. As without that I can love no other.

A Breath of Fresh Air

Today was a day unlike I've had in a long time. I felt free. Free from having to explain myself. Free from feeling guilt. Free to just read and not have somebodies baggage on my mind. I was able to care for my grandma without distraction. She needed me today and I was happy for the new freedom.

I knew that my day was going to be good when I woke myself up in the early morning hours before the sun came up laughing. I was laughing in my sleep and I woke myself up. I don't know what I was dreaming, but something must have struck me as funny. Laughing is good medicine (along with kids...wink). But since all I have is laughter that is my drug of choice!

Want to know what else I was free from; today I was free from drama. The people I interacted with weren't harsh, only wanted conversation, and we allowed ourselves to be who we are. I spoke with someone I haven't seen since childhood. He's my father's age, a long time friend of the family. We talked politics, family, and community.

Today my grandma wasn't feeling well; she had a bad episode. She started off feeling well then she went pale and weak. I sat by her most of the afternoon making sure she was breathing. In her breath I found peace. Watching her calmness allowed me time to experience my freedom and feel thankful for what I've been given and thankful for the people in my life.

To you who have taken the time to read this, thank you and I hope at some point in your life you have the opportunity to sit still and be alone with your thoughts and not be plagued with the shoulds and the oopps of your life. Just reconize where you are, decide where you want to be, and smile. It's amazing how something so simple is so difficult yet so liberating.

So This is What it's All About

“The life you have led doesn’t have to be the only life you’ll have!” ~ Anna Quindlen

Jose introduced me to this quote before I left for my six week adventure; little did I realize how much I would ponder it's meaning or see the truth in these words.

Today my niece was born. Today I took care of every need for my nephew. Today I felt how truly blessed I really am.

My sister has led quite a life; like all of us her life has been multi-faceted. Three years ago she was walking out of one marriage and into another. Look at where she is now. She is a wife, mother of two, and living in Japan. Three years ago she could not have fathomed how many beautiful gifts would be handed to her.

My sister, Rob, and the new baby are at the hospital tonight. I was sitting at the dinner table with Vincent having dinner. We were talking, signing, counting, and laughing. I couldn't help but reflect on how differently my life has become in three years. Three years ago I was struggling though a heart wrenching divorce; my two best friends both wild single women met the men of their dreams and while I was saying good bye to love they were embracing it with open arms. How could I have known how drastically my life would change in three years. Never could I have imagined that I would be hanging out with the coolest little dude I've ever met; and we would be signing together and laughing at the funny faces we make at one another. Never could I have imagined that I would hold a beautiful little bundle and know that she is my niece. She will forever be the little angel that I will be a sucker for. Never could I have imagined that I would be caring for my elderly grandmother as three years ago I only saw her maybe twice a year. Never could I have imagined that I would enjoy eating alone or going to the movies alone. Never could I have imagined that I want to date and not compare the man that I am dating to Jeremy. Never could I have imagined that I would be going back to school and studying the Deaf Culture which has always been a passion/curiosity of mine.

The best part about this life; I am so excited to find what will happen these next few years. Who will be in my life? How many more will be born? How many will pass away? Will I find you/have I found you, the man who holds my heart? Will I finish school? I can't wait to find out.

The life I led was wonderful and I cherish the memories; however, the best is yet to come and I look forward to embracing it and living every moment.

Loves Evolution

I have a short story to tell. To some this may not seem significant, but sometimes the smallest actions are the most significant.

Last night my brother-in-law came home from a long day at work. He informed us that he brought work home with him which must be completed for a meeting the next day. He was up all night. I know because I was online talking until 5am as he was working at the dining room table. He did not sleep a wink. He left the house bright and early and went to work. We didn't see him for lunch and he didn't take a break. Rob came home from work today his eyes were red from the lack of sleep and fatigue from the day. In his hands was a miniature rose bush for Michelle.

Considering I am a hopeless romantic when I saw what he handed (a) my sister I immediately (l) brought my hand over my heart and was in awe of this gesture. He was exhausted yet he thought of her. He was so fatigued that an hour after he came home he was passed out on the couch, but he took the time to buy her flowers on his way home. The woman that he loves the most was priority even over his own needs. That is love.

Why is this significant? I'm sure many people think that it's a husbands job to bring flowers home. I've seen many relationships come and go. I've (u) seen my parents relationship dissolve. My sisters first marriage fizzled. And my own marriage cave in, as what I now can see from lack of proper attention to one another. It saddens me to think of the heartbreak we have all caused ourselves. If we're lucky we've learned. My father has since remarried, as well as, my sister. I know that I will have the (d) opportunity to properly love and respect a husband in a way that I failed the first time. Rob's gesture is significant because it was selfless.

I've been watching my sister and her husband; how they interact and take care of each other. They are not perfect people and I don't believe that any marriage is perfect; however, individually they strive to meet the others need before they meet their own. What a beautiful cycle of everyone's needs getting met without strife.

I love the learning experiences of life.

Thank you for awakening my life to a higher standard of happiness. I am better off as a person for knowing you.

Some Japan Memories

Yes, these are my feet on vacation!

Michelle and I enjoyed a few quiet hours on the beach. It was a beautiful 70 degrees, the beach was white and sandy; and the water was so clear and blue. All I wanted to do was jump in and swim, but the water was too cold. Michelle and I had so much fun just sitting and talking.

One day we went to the aquarium. I loved the jelly fish. Little Vincent loves all fish. Oh and I saw the neatest fish ever; it's called a Cuttle Fish. It changes colors and skin textures to attract prey. I think I must have spent at least 20 minutes taunting it and making it react.
Michelle is doing great. Her baby Vivianne will be born on January 26th; it's about time she shows up. Michelle looks great and her attitude has been amazing. I am so incredibly impressed with her abilities as a wife and mother. She is so happy, you can't believe it. I've really missed her.
This little dude has become my best buddy. Everyday we play at the playground. We also sign to communicate. It has been such a wonderful bonding experience. I'm really going to miss the little guy. Michelle has been training me; therefore, I've been on Mommy Duty for the last two weeks. I get full control of him when she and Rob are in the hospital having Vivianne.
Well, I think I am a bad influence on the kid. This is me at 9:30pm giving him Ben and Jerry's. What could I do...he said please.
I have had so much fun here in Japan so far. Getting to know Rob and Vincent has been an amazing joy. My sister has a truly blessed life. We are all looking forward to holding the new bundle; she could only bring more love into an already loving household.
This is Shannon signing out for the time being. I will post more in a week or so.

Fishing and Dancing

Nothings more exhilarating than going deep sea fishing your your father. You dress all warm in layers and wear a wildly unbecoming beanie to keep your head warm. Fishing is not a fashion statement, it's an art; a dance if you will. My father taught me how to dance.

The key to fishing is having the right bait and lure for what you're wanting to catch, as well as, the strength and courage to cast your line into uncharted waters. Then you wait. You feel the oceans ebb and flow. Her melancholy, hypnotic rock; her rhythm. Your lost in her beauty as you wait. You feel a tug and your head pops back into the moment away from your thoughts. You hold the line and your eyes dart to you father. He keeps his eyes forward and says, "It's only a nibble." He's right, there's no heaving tug, there's no run only a momentary bob that makes your heart leap. So you sit back again being lulled by her rocking. You feel more nibbles, but are unimpressed. You notice around you others are sitting and staring out to sea. Then one of the men jumps excitedly to his feet. His line is taught and the struggle to keep his pole up has begun. He reels in then lets it run, reels it in then lets it run. The fisherman's eyes follow his line to where it meets the ocean waiting to see his prize leap from the depths below. He fights patiently and fiercely. Then, out of the water leaps the giant fish. Her scales glitter silver in the early morning light. This sparks more exuberance in the fisherman. He must have this fish; it's his prize to be sought; she will not get away. It's the dance. You turn your eyes back to your line watching, waiting, and wondering. Was that nibble my bite? My prize? My chance? Should I have pulled my line to snag her? Your father, as if reading your mind says, "Wait, you'll know." You take a deep breath and sit back. Once again feeling the ocean ease you back into her grace. Then when you feel your mind wander and your gaze drift she hits your line with fury and runs. All you hear is the "ZZZZ" of your line.

Have you ever asked a fisherman to tell you about his fishing trip? Any fisherman will become flushed when describing the big one. He will sit forward in his chair, lean towards you, and tell you every detail, every tug, every run, and every breath. Then he puts his arms out and states, "It was this big." He sits back and will smile as if he just caught it.

Ask a woman in love how she met the man of her dreams. She'll lean forward in her chair and become flushed. She'll tell you of every smile, every look, every line, and every laugh. She'd stand up, put her arms out and say, "I love him this much," as he walks into the room to her arms for an embrace. She sits back and will smile as if she just caught him.

You never hear about the nibbles, the one's that fed off the line than swam away. Only the one that was caught.

Smoke and Mirrors

Any good magician knows in order to be the best you must put on a good performance. Show the people what they want to see; create the perfect illusion. If the magician is good at his trade he will reap the benefits of amazement and awe from the crowd. He will keep them coming back for more; he feeds their curiosity and dazzles their senses. When in reality it's all just smoke and mirrors. The elephant doesn't really disappear and there is always a secret escape hatch for the magician to pop out of the impenetrable flaming box of terror.

Such is also the case for dating; it's smoke and mirrors. There are millions of single people in the world many seeking to fill the void in their life by means of human interaction. We all know there is a game to be played. Each of us are playing the same game; however, each of us have our own rules. Though it is somehow against the rules to share your rules; sounds counterproductive, very flawed, and dangerous. Though it's not knowing the other persons rules that makes the game all that more intriguing. This is how we become jaded and hurt by feeding into the rule that you must play the game and have your own rules which are to keep to yourself and make others guess what you are thinking while you are trying to figure out what they are thinking. A vicious cycle that no one wants to break in fear of being rejected, kicked out from the game, or feel like they've been played. This insanity makes you want to quit dating forever, but you know that you must play this game because there are other people just like you trying to find someone to be yourself with.

We in the dating world must hold out hope. Find comfort in the fact that one day the players will grow up and actually seek to "be fulfilled", want to find the "woman/man of their dreams", and they too will struggle. They have the hardest struggle of them all because the smoke and mirrors act that they have performed countless times will drive the "women/man they take home to meet their mother" away and they are stuck with the same quality of people that love the game, want to be played, want to be used, believe that the elephant did disappear, and the magician broke free from the 20 pounds of chains after being locked in the impenetrable flaming box of terror.

I've heard it said that one day "when your not even looking" the person you've been dreaming, dare I say praying to find will walk into your life. With this person the wait 2 days before calling, wait to respond 4 hours after their text, be mysterious, be allusive, share your heart but not too much, hug on the first date, kiss on the third, sex after the first month, he pays for the first 5 dates then she has to start to pay but only for the tip, bullshit rules fly joyfully out the window. With this person you can be who you are, laugh loudly, text at 2 in the morning, they call you, you call them, they accept you, you accept them and a real "fulfilling" relationship is born. I know this is true, I've seen it happen.