Heart Vs. Brain...May the Best Organ Win

"And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us."

Kahlil Gibran, from The Madman



I just liked this quote so I figured I'd share.



I wanted to ramble for a moment. My life revolves around a part of me that I don't seem to have any control over; my heart. I would like to gain control in order to rein it in and talk some sense into it. My heart and my mind seem to have a constant argument about what is important in this life. My heart would love to love someone; truly, 100%, love someone with every ounce of my being. Though my head is saying, "get your shit together first" and "don't fall just for fun". There is where the problem lies. In moments like these I rely on long walks, hot showers, and good books to distract me from the insanity which I can only chalk up to being a female. I am convinced that men don't have these sorts of dilemmas.



I won't get into the differences between men and women, as I am only a woman and most of the time have no idea what men are thinking or what they want. Well, I think I know what they want, but that is very female of me to assume that sex is the only thing on their brains. I also don't believe that. Men are wonderful, fun, and sexy creatures. Some would say they are simple, but I disagree. They are hard as hell to understand. If you're too nice they take advantage. If you're too assertive they walk away. The problem is finding the middle ground with men. What a pain in the ass.



We all know that I'm new to the world of men. I've only loved two in my lifetime and dated only three. I am under the impression that a good and respectable man would treasure a woman who is kind and sincere. I also believe that this sort of man does not have to be told how to respect and treasure a woman. Now I guess my confusion with this new world of men is distinguishing between the good/respectable men and the not so good/respectable men. How can you tell? How can you be honest with yourself once you are able to tell? How do you deal with one once you've found him? I've been reading up on this topic only to come to the conclusion that lesbians have the right idea!! Kidding of course, I'm not that type of gal (shivers).



Back to the struggle between my heart and brain. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need a man to make me happy. Do I love the company of a man, absolutely. Do I love their touch, sure. Do I crave their affection, definitely. Do I lose my mind when an attractive one is at my side; unfortunately, absolutely, sure, and definitely. See the problem? It saddens me. My brain on the other hand has the right idea. First off, "get my shit together". Am I at any real point in my life for a true, lasting, and real relationship? No. I'm 31 years old taking care of my grandmother. She is basically my child. She is my priority. Then of course there's school, which should be my next priority. I need to focus on that, as an education is something that no one can ever take from me. Plus, when I need to rely on myself solely to eat an education comes in handy to make the big bucks! Plain and simple I need to get my act together. But oh my heart. The longing of it to treasure a good man. To put him on a pedestal, treat him like there is no other. To cook for him, joke with him, watch TV and movies with him. To look at him as if he has captured my heart knowing that my heart is safe in his hands. This sort of feeling cannot be rushed or placed on someone who does not long for the same thing or someone who does not want to be cared for in this manner. So I guess I need my heart and mind to work together. They need to come to a compromise. My heart must understand that one day the man who will hold it will capture it without me having to tell him how to respect me. He will recognize that I am a good woman who deserves to be treasured. He will do this not because he will want me dote on him, but because I will be his precious gem. For this man my world will stop and because he has recognized me for the woman that I am he will be well taken care of. He will want for nothing, and never have to ask for his needs to be met. My heart must understand it needs to be patient as this sort of man doesn't fall from the sky and the likelihood of him just bumping into me isn't very high. So the compromise is the struggle. Yes, I want to have my shit together because it is not the man's job to complete me. I must be a complete person and not rely on him for that. Though my heart still longs for love. Still longs to dote. Still longs to spoil. What do I do with that? Get a dog? Distract it with hobbies or chocolate? How do I keep it out of trouble and keep it from getting broken? These are problems that even my brain can't solve. Maybe I should stay away from men. Goodness knows they don't come flocking my way. I don't want to stay away. Apparently I like the aggravation of not being with Mr. Right. Not being with someone who respects me. Why is that? I need to dive into that a little more, but not at this point. That will be a topic for another night.



Well now, the problem has not been resolved just dissected. It must be examined, fumbled though, pondered, prayed about, cried for, laughed at and I need to acknowledged that a conclusion will not be found. I will struggle with the question, "to love or not to love". But rest assured I will not give up on the quest for complete understanding and devotion to myself. As without that I can love no other.

A Breath of Fresh Air

Today was a day unlike I've had in a long time. I felt free. Free from having to explain myself. Free from feeling guilt. Free to just read and not have somebodies baggage on my mind. I was able to care for my grandma without distraction. She needed me today and I was happy for the new freedom.

I knew that my day was going to be good when I woke myself up in the early morning hours before the sun came up laughing. I was laughing in my sleep and I woke myself up. I don't know what I was dreaming, but something must have struck me as funny. Laughing is good medicine (along with kids...wink). But since all I have is laughter that is my drug of choice!

Want to know what else I was free from; today I was free from drama. The people I interacted with weren't harsh, only wanted conversation, and we allowed ourselves to be who we are. I spoke with someone I haven't seen since childhood. He's my father's age, a long time friend of the family. We talked politics, family, and community.

Today my grandma wasn't feeling well; she had a bad episode. She started off feeling well then she went pale and weak. I sat by her most of the afternoon making sure she was breathing. In her breath I found peace. Watching her calmness allowed me time to experience my freedom and feel thankful for what I've been given and thankful for the people in my life.

To you who have taken the time to read this, thank you and I hope at some point in your life you have the opportunity to sit still and be alone with your thoughts and not be plagued with the shoulds and the oopps of your life. Just reconize where you are, decide where you want to be, and smile. It's amazing how something so simple is so difficult yet so liberating.