Finally!!

There's that smile! It's been play peek-a-boo with me for years now, but now it here. No matter what it's finally sticking. I don't know if I can rightly explain it. Since before the divorce I felt lost; my world changed without considering what I wanted. I've been slowly dealing with it, the ups and downs. Gil was right, once I think I'm done dealing with one thing something else will crop up. There was one final piece, or at least I think it's final, that needed to be addressed; My trust of God and Godly men. I didn't realize that I felt as though I was let down by both, but I realize it now. Since I see what the issue is we, God and myself, will tackle it. Izzy and I have been talking about this for a little while now and I was going through the motions, but not letting our words go to my heart. Now this week, on Monday, He got me. Pinned me to the mat and convicted my heart. Finally I can work on this. I've found myself smiling and laughing for no reason. More and more colors are popping back to view. My faith was a huge piece of my world and I turned away from it out of fear. I'm not afraid anymore. I know I have strong hands to hold, faithful ears to hear me, and a nonjudgmental face looking back at me.

Self Torture

I don't know what my problem is. I frown though I have nothing to be down about. I am lacking motivation to get out and do what I love which is walking and gardening. Right now I am given the opportunity to do these things and if I don't jump on it now the moments will pass me by and I'll only have regrets. That is something I never want to deal with; regrets. They haunt and torture a soul. Quite frankly, I don't want that. I am too young to not do what I need to do. I am to strong to be moved from my goals. I am too optimistic to be beat down, even if it's myself who is doing the beating. Oh the internal struggles. Some days I need a straight jacket and long for the day to be thrown into a padded room, if not just for the peace and quiet. Then others I would love to just run and run; feel the sun, rain, and wind manipulate my body.
Okay, I'm so tired right now. I think I better sleep now. I will wake up and take my walk then go buy grandma her milk.

Found Innocence

When I was a younger girl I loved puddle jumping. The last time I recall going jumping was Junior year in high school. I arranged for a group of friends to go together. We all wore old, holey clothes; ones that our moms' won't mind if we got all wet, muddy, and ruined. The perfect day presented itself; it had been raining for days and the puddles on the Middle School track were gigantic. We hopped into Teddy's truck and off we went. The rain drops were huge, I remember them saturating my hair and water running down my face. I was running and jumps in huge puddles splashing dirty water all over the place. The best part was jumping into the puddles next to my friends and getting them even more soaked. Oh, I remember laughing and having the best time.

When I was younger I loved the rain. I would even wash my car in the rain. My dad thought I was crazy he would holler at me. Then shake his head and say, "that girl doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain." It would feel so good to feel the drops on my face.

I had forgotten that feeling until today. Today, I was in the back yard cutting roses for grandma. The sky began to open and little sprinkles started to falling. I felt a few drops on my nose and I ducked my head. I then realized I no longer have my glasses to protect from water spots. With a childlike grin I lifted my head and let the sprinkles dance on my face. With those few drops I recalled my puddle jumping, car washing, and the innocence of rain. For a split second I was carefree and innocent. That feeling made my heart smile.

A part of me grew back today. I hope I never forget this feeling. I hope I never hide my face from the rain.

My How Time Flies

I've been getting harassed by friends as to when I'm going to blog. I guess it's a good sign that I haven't; either I've been too busy or I just have nothing to say. I'm here tonight to say I've been very busy and don't have anything to say.
Since last month when I wrote I've been to an Expressions of Silence Weekend which I was camping for the weekend. I had a blast and met some wonderful new people and learned some great new signs. I had Lasix surgery so now I can see without glasses. I feel so liberated. I no longer am hiding behind the glasses I am living out loud (I hope). Also I went sky diving in Vegas with Mom, Anthony, and Izzy (who flew but didn't jump).
As you can see my life hasn't been short of adventure, just short on time to sit and blog about it. When I'm not out playing I'm doing homework, at school, taking care of grandma, or catching a much needed nap.
Here, is my blog for the week or month depending on how you look at it. Now I'm off to dreamland and hopefully will sleep soundly tonight. Oh, the last time I was able to sleep peacefully completely through the night; besides being drugged on Valium after my surgery was in Vegas when Izzy gave me a Benedryl. What does it tell you when you have to be medicated to get a restful nights sleep?