I'm not Ready Yet

So, Dr. V called this morning to see how grandma is feeling; to check if she's gotten any better. My initial response was to say, "She's doing so well", but I know that her sleeping as increased and her body is slowly shutting down. I'm not ready to admit it yet.
I spoke with him about her appetite and how she wants and craves foods but nothing tastes right. He said that it's natural and he won't be surprised if within the next month or so she just stops eating. I not ready for that yet.
He's bringing the Hospice team back in because he doesn't want to wait until the last minute. He said he'd rather they be here for her last months. I'm not ready for that yet.
I thought we lost her last June and I grieved for her; what a miracle to have her here everyday. I'm not ready to grieve again.
She's my grandma who has turned into my little girl; I bath her, feed her, take care of her every need. She needs me for companionship and I need her as she is like my child. Watching her watch TV with that sweet smile on her face warms my heart. Listening to her throw a little fit because the chicken isn't quite the way she use to do it makes me want to kiss you forehead (while on the inside I'm rolling my eyes!). We sit at the kitchen table talking, watching her Soap Opera, solving all the worlds problems. I'm not ready yet.
She doesn't understand why she's still here. She doesn't want to wake up anymore. She's frustrated with her body and her mind. Yet she still opens her eyes every morning. She may be ready, but I'm not ready yet.