Monday, August 10, 2009
Technology Crutch
For months I was relying on technology to get me through life. Instead of having communications with friends I would blog, twitter, facebook, myspace, email, and text. When I finally decided enough was enough and required face time and actually voice correspondence my world became much less complicated. I like the uncomplicated lifestyle. Life throws enough hurdles why add so many more obstacles in the way of healthy relationships. If I would tweet something then I had to add it to my status on both FB and myspace, then I had to blog about it. Heaven forbid if I didn't text everyone or email. So lame. My life became so filled with computer time that I was forgetting how to talk. Thankfully those days are gone.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Finally!!
There's that smile! It's been play peek-a-boo with me for years now, but now it here. No matter what it's finally sticking. I don't know if I can rightly explain it. Since before the divorce I felt lost; my world changed without considering what I wanted. I've been slowly dealing with it, the ups and downs. Gil was right, once I think I'm done dealing with one thing something else will crop up. There was one final piece, or at least I think it's final, that needed to be addressed; My trust of God and Godly men. I didn't realize that I felt as though I was let down by both, but I realize it now. Since I see what the issue is we, God and myself, will tackle it. Izzy and I have been talking about this for a little while now and I was going through the motions, but not letting our words go to my heart. Now this week, on Monday, He got me. Pinned me to the mat and convicted my heart. Finally I can work on this. I've found myself smiling and laughing for no reason. More and more colors are popping back to view. My faith was a huge piece of my world and I turned away from it out of fear. I'm not afraid anymore. I know I have strong hands to hold, faithful ears to hear me, and a nonjudgmental face looking back at me.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Self Torture
I don't know what my problem is. I frown though I have nothing to be down about. I am lacking motivation to get out and do what I love which is walking and gardening. Right now I am given the opportunity to do these things and if I don't jump on it now the moments will pass me by and I'll only have regrets. That is something I never want to deal with; regrets. They haunt and torture a soul. Quite frankly, I don't want that. I am too young to not do what I need to do. I am to strong to be moved from my goals. I am too optimistic to be beat down, even if it's myself who is doing the beating. Oh the internal struggles. Some days I need a straight jacket and long for the day to be thrown into a padded room, if not just for the peace and quiet. Then others I would love to just run and run; feel the sun, rain, and wind manipulate my body.
Okay, I'm so tired right now. I think I better sleep now. I will wake up and take my walk then go buy grandma her milk.
Okay, I'm so tired right now. I think I better sleep now. I will wake up and take my walk then go buy grandma her milk.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Found Innocence
When I was a younger girl I loved puddle jumping. The last time I recall going jumping was Junior year in high school. I arranged for a group of friends to go together. We all wore old, holey clothes; ones that our moms' won't mind if we got all wet, muddy, and ruined. The perfect day presented itself; it had been raining for days and the puddles on the Middle School track were gigantic. We hopped into Teddy's truck and off we went. The rain drops were huge, I remember them saturating my hair and water running down my face. I was running and jumps in huge puddles splashing dirty water all over the place. The best part was jumping into the puddles next to my friends and getting them even more soaked. Oh, I remember laughing and having the best time.
When I was younger I loved the rain. I would even wash my car in the rain. My dad thought I was crazy he would holler at me. Then shake his head and say, "that girl doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain." It would feel so good to feel the drops on my face.
I had forgotten that feeling until today. Today, I was in the back yard cutting roses for grandma. The sky began to open and little sprinkles started to falling. I felt a few drops on my nose and I ducked my head. I then realized I no longer have my glasses to protect from water spots. With a childlike grin I lifted my head and let the sprinkles dance on my face. With those few drops I recalled my puddle jumping, car washing, and the innocence of rain. For a split second I was carefree and innocent. That feeling made my heart smile.
A part of me grew back today. I hope I never forget this feeling. I hope I never hide my face from the rain.
When I was younger I loved the rain. I would even wash my car in the rain. My dad thought I was crazy he would holler at me. Then shake his head and say, "that girl doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain." It would feel so good to feel the drops on my face.
I had forgotten that feeling until today. Today, I was in the back yard cutting roses for grandma. The sky began to open and little sprinkles started to falling. I felt a few drops on my nose and I ducked my head. I then realized I no longer have my glasses to protect from water spots. With a childlike grin I lifted my head and let the sprinkles dance on my face. With those few drops I recalled my puddle jumping, car washing, and the innocence of rain. For a split second I was carefree and innocent. That feeling made my heart smile.
A part of me grew back today. I hope I never forget this feeling. I hope I never hide my face from the rain.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
My How Time Flies
I've been getting harassed by friends as to when I'm going to blog. I guess it's a good sign that I haven't; either I've been too busy or I just have nothing to say. I'm here tonight to say I've been very busy and don't have anything to say.
Since last month when I wrote I've been to an Expressions of Silence Weekend which I was camping for the weekend. I had a blast and met some wonderful new people and learned some great new signs. I had Lasix surgery so now I can see without glasses. I feel so liberated. I no longer am hiding behind the glasses I am living out loud (I hope). Also I went sky diving in Vegas with Mom, Anthony, and Izzy (who flew but didn't jump).
As you can see my life hasn't been short of adventure, just short on time to sit and blog about it. When I'm not out playing I'm doing homework, at school, taking care of grandma, or catching a much needed nap.
Here, is my blog for the week or month depending on how you look at it. Now I'm off to dreamland and hopefully will sleep soundly tonight. Oh, the last time I was able to sleep peacefully completely through the night; besides being drugged on Valium after my surgery was in Vegas when Izzy gave me a Benedryl. What does it tell you when you have to be medicated to get a restful nights sleep?
Since last month when I wrote I've been to an Expressions of Silence Weekend which I was camping for the weekend. I had a blast and met some wonderful new people and learned some great new signs. I had Lasix surgery so now I can see without glasses. I feel so liberated. I no longer am hiding behind the glasses I am living out loud (I hope). Also I went sky diving in Vegas with Mom, Anthony, and Izzy (who flew but didn't jump).
As you can see my life hasn't been short of adventure, just short on time to sit and blog about it. When I'm not out playing I'm doing homework, at school, taking care of grandma, or catching a much needed nap.
Here, is my blog for the week or month depending on how you look at it. Now I'm off to dreamland and hopefully will sleep soundly tonight. Oh, the last time I was able to sleep peacefully completely through the night; besides being drugged on Valium after my surgery was in Vegas when Izzy gave me a Benedryl. What does it tell you when you have to be medicated to get a restful nights sleep?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
New Addition
The great thing about life is no matter how much you think you know there is always more to learn. I love meeting new people because each new person I meet all have experiences that I have never had and with those experiences I get ideas. Yesterday I was speaking with some women who have been traveling; some were within the United States, others to the rest of the world. I think I'd like to hit some of the states. When I was a child we use to go on family vacations and my parents would introduce us to the world around us. I think as an adult I'd love to see what beauty our country has to offer. Therefore, I have a new addition to my list. Once a year at least I'd like to take some time to travel to another state.
Another fun thing to save for.
Another fun thing to save for.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Addendum
On my last blog, Just Rambling I stated that "...on Friday I will probably be wearing a smile...". Well, today is Friday and I am still indifferent. Here's the problem with this indifference, I am choosing to be indifferent. I don't want to move forward or step back and I think it's a terrible place to be. I know what needs to be done, yet I don't do it. Some would say it's just me being stubborn and I think they would be right. I am finding it easier to be indifferent than to follow through with what might actually need to be done. I don't want to deal with it. I know in the long run this indifference, my path of least resistance for the moment, will cause much more resistance and heartache than if I do what needs to be done in the present.
Also, my tongue hurts because of the Glade Plug-in incident of 95'. Stupid allergy.
Also, I just learned that Jaime Fox is responsible for the over-played, over-rated song Alcohol.
Also, I am really exhausted. I can't wait for tonight. I don't have any plans besides getting my hair done so I'm going to crash. My phone will be off and I will crawl into bed, finishing reading my play for school, and slip off to dreamland.
So about this indifference, I don't know what to do about it. It feels as though I am wearing cement shoes on the sidewalk. I can look up the street and see one thing, then I look down the street and see another. It's annoying to me not to take a step, yet I feel as though the shoes are too heavy. When in reality they're just little black flip-flops purchased from Target.
Also, my tongue hurts because of the Glade Plug-in incident of 95'. Stupid allergy.
Also, I just learned that Jaime Fox is responsible for the over-played, over-rated song Alcohol.
Also, I am really exhausted. I can't wait for tonight. I don't have any plans besides getting my hair done so I'm going to crash. My phone will be off and I will crawl into bed, finishing reading my play for school, and slip off to dreamland.
So about this indifference, I don't know what to do about it. It feels as though I am wearing cement shoes on the sidewalk. I can look up the street and see one thing, then I look down the street and see another. It's annoying to me not to take a step, yet I feel as though the shoes are too heavy. When in reality they're just little black flip-flops purchased from Target.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
JUST RAMBLING
I think it's interesting how life changes course so quickly. My world is so different from last week and entirely different from last month. I can't say which is better or which is worse. The ideas I had last month have evolved into this months actions. People who were in my life last month have disappeared, but they have left me with new ideas and thoughts. I do believe we meet people for a reason. I cannot say how long it is intended for them to be in our lives, but the marks they make will last a lifetime. I figure things rarely work out as I plan; and thank goodness for that. If everything went to how I planned I would be missing out on so much. I don't like heartache, rejection, confrontation, or sadness; however, those are necessary steps to be made while becoming the person I'm suppose to be. Out of trials, strength and confidence grows.
Today I am indifferent. I am the observer of my life; taking notes and paying attention to what's going on. Noticing the words and actions of those around me and watching the affect they have on my life. I find myself not wanting to laugh or cry, I just am. It's a weird place for me, I don't typically get here. I know that on Friday I'll be somewhere altogether different; probably wearing a smile. Today however, I will relish in the indifference and learn what I can from these moments.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Puzzling Puzzle Piece
You look at the box it states 1000 pieces. The picture is beautiful and serene; the place you've always wanted to visit and know you'd never want to leave. This puzzle is perfect, exactly what you've always wanted. You open the box and dump all the pieces out on the table, turning them right side up, and you separate them by color and shape. Then you prop the lid of the box up so you can begin. Always start with the edge pieces because those are the easiest to put together; anybody can do that!! As the puzzle progresses there is one area you want to work on because in your mind it is the most important portion of the puzzle. You grab a piece that matches in color and shape, you know that piece has to fit. It's perfect for the spot. You place it in the void and it doesn't fit so you turn it, again doesn't fit. "But I know it's right", you think to yourself. It's the right colors and the shape is perfect. You pick it up and look at it. Again you place it in the void this time a little more forcefully. You crinkle your brow and cock your head to the right, "hmmm" you think to yourself. As if reverting back to childhood you place the palm of your hand over the piece and push with all your might. As you pull your hand away you see that it just doesn't fit. The perfect piece cannot be crammed into the spot where it doesn't belong. Feeling defeated you take the piece out and place it to the side glancing at it every once in a while with disdain. You decide to focus on another part of the puzzle one that is easier with more distinguishable differences and pieces. With each piece placed in the proper spot the picture becomes even more clear. You allow your eyes to dart to the puzzling piece which did not fit where it should have, "where do you belong". As you get near to completing the puzzle everything begins to fall into place. You look at the perfect puzzle piece and finally you see where it belongs. It's the final piece which completes the perfect picture. With a triumphant sigh you pick up the piece, look at it, and place it in the void. Without forcing it, twisting it, or shaking it you place it right where it belongs and it just fits.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Dating Books
I've decided dating books have screwed the dating world up. For those of us who read them we often use the sacred words was if they were a Bible. We follow the letter of the law hoping to find the ever illusive savior who will rescue us from this crazy land called singlehood. For those in the single world who are smart and don't open the How To Find Your Perfect Mate jibberish, the ways of the "readers" are very foreign to them. As if our male and female differences weren't foreign enough, now the women are reading rules on how the perfect man is suppose to act and vice versa. The dating books are security blankets for those of us who strike out constantly at dating. Here's a conversation of the lunacy which perpetuated by the book:
"He's not calling me, what do I do"?
Look it up in the book. Wait three days
"Crap, it's been four days now what?"
Look it up in the book. Drop the guy he's not ready for someone as wonderful as you.
"But I really like him, now what do I do?"
Look it up in the book. Go to your local book store, mope to the self help section, pick the book on self-esteem (preferably by the same author), then stop by 7-11 buy a quart of your favorite Ben and Jerry's, and start over on page 1 (of both books, what a racket).
I think if we singles are to read dating books the men should read the ones written for women and women should read the written for men; therefore, we all will know what the others are expecting. Or I have an even better idea, DON'T READ THEM AT ALL. Here's a concept: be yourself and when the right one comes along he will accept you and you will accept him. He'll call you when he wants and you'll call him. The relationship will naturally flourish without the manual, which is a one size fits all book to depression.
Don't get me wrong I am enjoying being single. I love the freedom, the girl time, the shopping, and the dinners. What I don't like is going out on dates with men who are more interested in watching my chest and talking about themselves than to bother to find out who I am. Oh, or the man who manipulates and tries to wiggle his way into places where he shouldn't be. Here's an even better one, the one who's slightly interesting but have absolutely nothing to offer yet he believes that he has the world by the tail (how do you not role your eyes at that one?)
From the few men that I have had the pleasure of dating I've learned much about who I am, what I stand for, what my limits are, how to assert my boundaries, and happily I've discovered the qualities of the man I'm searching for. It won't take me long to spot him either as I have his picture etched in my brain. No I'm not over picky, no I'm not being absurd. He's out there riding his white horse just waiting for this damsel to cross his path. And I will cross it again; of that I'm certain.
Well, on that note I am going to sleep now hopefully I will sleep soundly and God will bring me peaceful dreams. Thanks for reading my blog. Thanks for thinking I've lost my mind, but continue to love me anyway.
"He's not calling me, what do I do"?
Look it up in the book. Wait three days
"Crap, it's been four days now what?"
Look it up in the book. Drop the guy he's not ready for someone as wonderful as you.
"But I really like him, now what do I do?"
Look it up in the book. Go to your local book store, mope to the self help section, pick the book on self-esteem (preferably by the same author), then stop by 7-11 buy a quart of your favorite Ben and Jerry's, and start over on page 1 (of both books, what a racket).
I think if we singles are to read dating books the men should read the ones written for women and women should read the written for men; therefore, we all will know what the others are expecting. Or I have an even better idea, DON'T READ THEM AT ALL. Here's a concept: be yourself and when the right one comes along he will accept you and you will accept him. He'll call you when he wants and you'll call him. The relationship will naturally flourish without the manual, which is a one size fits all book to depression.
Don't get me wrong I am enjoying being single. I love the freedom, the girl time, the shopping, and the dinners. What I don't like is going out on dates with men who are more interested in watching my chest and talking about themselves than to bother to find out who I am. Oh, or the man who manipulates and tries to wiggle his way into places where he shouldn't be. Here's an even better one, the one who's slightly interesting but have absolutely nothing to offer yet he believes that he has the world by the tail (how do you not role your eyes at that one?)
From the few men that I have had the pleasure of dating I've learned much about who I am, what I stand for, what my limits are, how to assert my boundaries, and happily I've discovered the qualities of the man I'm searching for. It won't take me long to spot him either as I have his picture etched in my brain. No I'm not over picky, no I'm not being absurd. He's out there riding his white horse just waiting for this damsel to cross his path. And I will cross it again; of that I'm certain.
Well, on that note I am going to sleep now hopefully I will sleep soundly and God will bring me peaceful dreams. Thanks for reading my blog. Thanks for thinking I've lost my mind, but continue to love me anyway.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Um What
The moment I begin to think things are finally beginning to fall into place my heart begins to soften, my mind wanders, and I hum a little more. Then POW BANG BOOM back to square one. Eric told me, "expect nothing". How do I do that? I mean it makes sense, if I expect nothing then I can't be disappointed. Yet if I expect nothing then how do I feel anything. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me other than be interested. I want someone to do with me like I want to do with them, which is to take me by the hand and show me everything. Invite me wholeheartedly into their life. Have the walls down. That's how I want to be treated because that's how I would them them. I have so much I want to do for someone, so much I want to say. So much to show them and so much to feed them. I don't need to be attached at the hip, but to just live life together yet have our own lives. I'm not stopping living because I don't have that special someone; because right now I'm my own special someone. There are times I just want someone their. Luckily, I have my dear friends. They like me dragging them all over Southern California.
I just thought it was done, the searching I mean. It's so frustrating. What upsets me so much is that fact that I have the capability of hurting people. This is something I would never do on purpose. It saddens me to think that I do.
I'm feeling so much right now which is why this blog is a jumbled mess. Not really a rhyme or rhythm. Doesn't help that I'm exhausted. I think I'll go to sleep now. I have a busy day which will start bright and early.
Sorry the entertainment factor isn't in this blog today. I guess it's mainly for my benefit.
I just thought it was done, the searching I mean. It's so frustrating. What upsets me so much is that fact that I have the capability of hurting people. This is something I would never do on purpose. It saddens me to think that I do.
I'm feeling so much right now which is why this blog is a jumbled mess. Not really a rhyme or rhythm. Doesn't help that I'm exhausted. I think I'll go to sleep now. I have a busy day which will start bright and early.
Sorry the entertainment factor isn't in this blog today. I guess it's mainly for my benefit.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Still Happy....Yet Human
Let me start this blog with a disclaimer. I am a blessed woman. I am a happy woman. And I am a woman who is fulfilled with family, friends, and the aspiration of finding true love.
Today is Friday, the last day of a very tiring week. Homework was long, school was long, work was long, but rest time was not very long.
I'd like to share what I want to do. I want more than anything to have someone hug me, the biggest hug ever and just let me melt. I don't want a hug where I feel I have to give, I just want to receive. This may sound selfish, but I have wants and needs too. Taking care of grandma is a wonderful way to spend my time; however, it is very thankless. Today, because I am so tired I just want someone to do for me. Cook me a nice little dinner while having a glass of wine, rub my back, let me lean on him while we watch TV, eat ice cream, and then snuggle in bed and fall asleep together all warm, cozy, and at peace with the day. I feel pathetic even writing this, but it's how I feel at this time. I know this feeling will pass as it always does after a hot shower with yummy scented body wash and a good nights rest.
Today is Friday, the last day of a very tiring week. Homework was long, school was long, work was long, but rest time was not very long.
I'd like to share what I want to do. I want more than anything to have someone hug me, the biggest hug ever and just let me melt. I don't want a hug where I feel I have to give, I just want to receive. This may sound selfish, but I have wants and needs too. Taking care of grandma is a wonderful way to spend my time; however, it is very thankless. Today, because I am so tired I just want someone to do for me. Cook me a nice little dinner while having a glass of wine, rub my back, let me lean on him while we watch TV, eat ice cream, and then snuggle in bed and fall asleep together all warm, cozy, and at peace with the day. I feel pathetic even writing this, but it's how I feel at this time. I know this feeling will pass as it always does after a hot shower with yummy scented body wash and a good nights rest.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
It's About Time
I'm happy; really happy. No pressures, no guilt, no pity; that's all done. I was sitting on the beach this last Saturday watching people, listening to the sounds, and I really decided this spot that I'm in right now is a blessing. I guess it wasn't a decision it was a shift. I'm letting go of the baggage from the past. And I'm ready to slowly embrace the future and whatever it holds.
I like thinking about the many lives I've led. The experiences I've had and the learning opportunities that have cropped up. Each life and opportunity has molded me to take on the life that is set before me; whatever it may hold. Here a deep thought; Life is like a role playing game. I use to watch Jeremy play the games and he'd have to go from character to character and have a conversation with them or buy something off them. With each conversation or new item he would earn experience points. Also each conversation and item helped him get to the next level. I realize life is not a game and the people that enter into our lives are not just pawns to enhance our life. Though I do believe that God allows people go come and go though our life and we have the opportunity to embrace what they have to teach or disregard the experience as a mistake. I've learned so much from the friends both male and female; my family; my dates; my boyfriends; and my loves. Each have played significant roles in helping me appreciate myself, the world, and my future. Each have inspired me to live differently; to live better.
I've watched this evolution of self and recognize it's a process which will continue throughout my life. At this point, I'm looking at my world since I've moved to LA. I am blessed. I've pulled though the toughest part. I am saddened for the casualties along the way and hope that in some way they will feel at least some of the optimism that I hold. I no longer feel like a dove with a broken wing. I feel healed, released from chains. The colors of life that once faded to grey due to the divorce have not come back and they are brighter than ever. It's about time.
I like thinking about the many lives I've led. The experiences I've had and the learning opportunities that have cropped up. Each life and opportunity has molded me to take on the life that is set before me; whatever it may hold. Here a deep thought; Life is like a role playing game. I use to watch Jeremy play the games and he'd have to go from character to character and have a conversation with them or buy something off them. With each conversation or new item he would earn experience points. Also each conversation and item helped him get to the next level. I realize life is not a game and the people that enter into our lives are not just pawns to enhance our life. Though I do believe that God allows people go come and go though our life and we have the opportunity to embrace what they have to teach or disregard the experience as a mistake. I've learned so much from the friends both male and female; my family; my dates; my boyfriends; and my loves. Each have played significant roles in helping me appreciate myself, the world, and my future. Each have inspired me to live differently; to live better.
I've watched this evolution of self and recognize it's a process which will continue throughout my life. At this point, I'm looking at my world since I've moved to LA. I am blessed. I've pulled though the toughest part. I am saddened for the casualties along the way and hope that in some way they will feel at least some of the optimism that I hold. I no longer feel like a dove with a broken wing. I feel healed, released from chains. The colors of life that once faded to grey due to the divorce have not come back and they are brighter than ever. It's about time.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What a Feeling
You've heard the expression about the elephant in the room, right? Well, I've been dancing around the elephant in my head. Dealing with things that I didn't want to deal with because it would be too hard, or I'd hurt someones feelings. I am proud to say I am elephant free. I actually feel lighter!! I'm coming to the realization that I am not responsible for how other people respond to me, that is their responsibility. As long as I'm not malicious that is.
Now that I am lighter what am I going to do with myself? Am I going to muck all this beautiful space in my world up with more baby elephants, which will grow into gigantic creatures? No way. I've decided I will only let it what is good and healthy. I will cut my loses and run when my intuition tells me too. I will fight for what needs to be fought for. I will guard myself just enough to ensure my safety. I will make the next man show me he is worthy before I so easily hand over my most precious possession; my heart. Lessons learned, better late than never.
When I was going through my divorce my dear friends kept telling me to be selfish. Do for myself. Find what makes me happy. I thought that was terrible advise, why would I want to be selfish. They didn't mean to be selfish in a negative way; to disregard others. They meant to get in touch with myself. After two years I think I finally get it. They are so right. In May I was starting to take that leap. In December I finally did it. And now, wow! I have new friends, and hobbies that I always wanted to do but just never did. I indulge myself in Mexican food, long walks, massages, weekends with friends, margaritas, and new flip flops. I am confident in myself, but not the extent of being conceited or annoying. I can finally say that I am loving life. I am excited about all the adventures I'm going to embark on. I'm excited about all the people that I haven't met yet. And all the food I'm going to eat.
What a feeling to be able to really breath. To finally inhale without the weight of letting someone down hinder the full expansion of my lungs.
Now that I am lighter what am I going to do with myself? Am I going to muck all this beautiful space in my world up with more baby elephants, which will grow into gigantic creatures? No way. I've decided I will only let it what is good and healthy. I will cut my loses and run when my intuition tells me too. I will fight for what needs to be fought for. I will guard myself just enough to ensure my safety. I will make the next man show me he is worthy before I so easily hand over my most precious possession; my heart. Lessons learned, better late than never.
When I was going through my divorce my dear friends kept telling me to be selfish. Do for myself. Find what makes me happy. I thought that was terrible advise, why would I want to be selfish. They didn't mean to be selfish in a negative way; to disregard others. They meant to get in touch with myself. After two years I think I finally get it. They are so right. In May I was starting to take that leap. In December I finally did it. And now, wow! I have new friends, and hobbies that I always wanted to do but just never did. I indulge myself in Mexican food, long walks, massages, weekends with friends, margaritas, and new flip flops. I am confident in myself, but not the extent of being conceited or annoying. I can finally say that I am loving life. I am excited about all the adventures I'm going to embark on. I'm excited about all the people that I haven't met yet. And all the food I'm going to eat.
What a feeling to be able to really breath. To finally inhale without the weight of letting someone down hinder the full expansion of my lungs.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Who I'm Not
I'm not Sara, I only wanted what I thought was best for you.
I'm not Griselda, she's your wife.
I'm not your ex girlfriend, she couldn't see you.
I'm not your personal secretary.
I'm not your booty call.
I'm not your whipping boy.
I'm not your ace in the hole.
I'm not sitting around waiting for any one's call.
I'm not easy.
I'm not willing to be controlled.
I'm not going to start using the "F" word.
I'm not going to start using the "C" word.
I'm not going to start appreciating anyone using the "F" or "C" word.
I'm not going to get lower than a C in Geology.
I'm not a label whore.
You're not my father, you cannot reprimand me.
You're not my boss, you cannot belittle me.
You're not my God, you cannot judge me.
You're not my boyfriend, you have no say.
You are my friend, so be friendly.
I am Shannon.
I am trusting.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a granddaughter.
I am a niece.
I am a cook.
I am a baker.
I am a lover.
I am a fighter.
I am a student.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a signer.
I am a traveler.
I am a floral designer.
I am goofy.
I am patient.
I am appreciative.
I am layed back.
I am growing.
I am learning.
I am sensitive.
I am passionate.
I am fed up of being seen as someone who I'm not.
I'm not Griselda, she's your wife.
I'm not your ex girlfriend, she couldn't see you.
I'm not your personal secretary.
I'm not your booty call.
I'm not your whipping boy.
I'm not your ace in the hole.
I'm not sitting around waiting for any one's call.
I'm not easy.
I'm not willing to be controlled.
I'm not going to start using the "F" word.
I'm not going to start using the "C" word.
I'm not going to start appreciating anyone using the "F" or "C" word.
I'm not going to get lower than a C in Geology.
I'm not a label whore.
You're not my father, you cannot reprimand me.
You're not my boss, you cannot belittle me.
You're not my God, you cannot judge me.
You're not my boyfriend, you have no say.
You are my friend, so be friendly.
I am Shannon.
I am trusting.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a granddaughter.
I am a niece.
I am a cook.
I am a baker.
I am a lover.
I am a fighter.
I am a student.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a signer.
I am a traveler.
I am a floral designer.
I am goofy.
I am patient.
I am appreciative.
I am layed back.
I am growing.
I am learning.
I am sensitive.
I am passionate.
I am fed up of being seen as someone who I'm not.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Crankies
I just can't shake'em; the crankies that is. Am I creating them or is something else. Am I reacting or causing a reaction?
Have you ever had a time in your life when you try to figure out what is real and what isn't. What you've fabricated in your mind vs. what exists? Have you ever put so much thought into it that you begin to drive yourself a little nutty? You haven't...well me neither. But I'm sure if either of us had ever done that it would be maddening. I find it to be a little laughable because I know in a few days I will shake my head at myself and say, "Shan what a waste of effort and time you put into something (the obsessing) so trivial that could have been spent on something better like cleaning, studying, baking, or signing." I guess that's what I'd say if I'd ever experienced obsessing before!
Looking over my blogs I see something common throughout and maybe I dwell on it too much. If you've read them you know; it's love and security. Aren't those qualities one must possess internally before they can completely be appreciated from an external source? I say yes and no. "How can she be such a fence-sitter", you might be asking yourself. Well here's my answer. Absolutely you have to love yourself; be comfortable with yourself , your imperfections as well as you charms; you have to be secure with your abilities, appearance, knowledge or lack thereof; you have to be able to laugh at yourself, goodness knows others will laugh too. The love and security received from an outside source whether it be a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or partner enhances what you already acknowledge as truth about yourself. Experiencing the love and security from another is the most precious gift given and unmatched once received. You learn about life from a different perspective, you gain knowledge from anothers experiences, you learn patience and understand for another way of life. This appears to me similar to the chicken or the egg question: What came first the chicken or the egg.
Now I am less cranky and more sleepy. By blogging I remind myself of my beliefs; what I feel about the world around me; who I allow in that world; and how I respond to them. Also I harness my internal power to deal with fear. Oh yes I have fear, often I am confronted by the monster lurking in the closet. The face of my fear resembles heartache, rejection, ignorance, and complacency. These are horrible toxins that once released into my system destroys all that good and descent. That is a blog for another night. Tonight I've worked though the crankies; harnessed my light; and will change into my pajama's and head off to dreamland.
Yes this is silly but I have a song in my head and I'd like to blog-sing it for you:
Good night my someone, good night my love
Sleep tight my someone, sleep tight my love.
A star is shining it's bright as light,
so good night my someone good night.
True love may be whispered from heart to heart
when lovers are parted they say.
But I must depend on a wish and a star
as long as my heart doesn't know who you are
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
if dreams they'll be.
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish I may and I wish I might,
so good night my someone good night.
Have you ever had a time in your life when you try to figure out what is real and what isn't. What you've fabricated in your mind vs. what exists? Have you ever put so much thought into it that you begin to drive yourself a little nutty? You haven't...well me neither. But I'm sure if either of us had ever done that it would be maddening. I find it to be a little laughable because I know in a few days I will shake my head at myself and say, "Shan what a waste of effort and time you put into something (the obsessing) so trivial that could have been spent on something better like cleaning, studying, baking, or signing." I guess that's what I'd say if I'd ever experienced obsessing before!
Looking over my blogs I see something common throughout and maybe I dwell on it too much. If you've read them you know; it's love and security. Aren't those qualities one must possess internally before they can completely be appreciated from an external source? I say yes and no. "How can she be such a fence-sitter", you might be asking yourself. Well here's my answer. Absolutely you have to love yourself; be comfortable with yourself , your imperfections as well as you charms; you have to be secure with your abilities, appearance, knowledge or lack thereof; you have to be able to laugh at yourself, goodness knows others will laugh too. The love and security received from an outside source whether it be a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or partner enhances what you already acknowledge as truth about yourself. Experiencing the love and security from another is the most precious gift given and unmatched once received. You learn about life from a different perspective, you gain knowledge from anothers experiences, you learn patience and understand for another way of life. This appears to me similar to the chicken or the egg question: What came first the chicken or the egg.
Now I am less cranky and more sleepy. By blogging I remind myself of my beliefs; what I feel about the world around me; who I allow in that world; and how I respond to them. Also I harness my internal power to deal with fear. Oh yes I have fear, often I am confronted by the monster lurking in the closet. The face of my fear resembles heartache, rejection, ignorance, and complacency. These are horrible toxins that once released into my system destroys all that good and descent. That is a blog for another night. Tonight I've worked though the crankies; harnessed my light; and will change into my pajama's and head off to dreamland.
Yes this is silly but I have a song in my head and I'd like to blog-sing it for you:
Good night my someone, good night my love
Sleep tight my someone, sleep tight my love.
A star is shining it's bright as light,
so good night my someone good night.
True love may be whispered from heart to heart
when lovers are parted they say.
But I must depend on a wish and a star
as long as my heart doesn't know who you are
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
if dreams they'll be.
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish I may and I wish I might,
so good night my someone good night.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Reminder
Thank you Izzy for having dinner with me tonight!!
Tonight grandma, Izzy, and myself had pizza. Grandma was so happy with the cheese pizza. Finally we scored with the food she ate!
Through this blog I am making myself accountable for my feeling and reactions. I am cleaning up after dinner and I am having an overwhelming sense of sadness. My heart physically hurts; it feels like someone is beating my invisible twin. Nothing is out of the ordinary in my world; grandma is fine, my friends are awesome yet I can't shake this feeling. I am reminding myself that I am blessed and not to look at what I don't have but to acknowledge what I do have. Though I don't know if the haves and have nots of my life is what's bothering me. This can't be a girl moment. The feeling that I'm having right now makes me want to burrow my head into someones chest and be held in strong arms. I want to be lost in security and be reassured that all is well in my world. Sadly, I'm looking around and it's just me; me and a dish rag.
I guess this moment is a double reminder; the first is a reminder that I miss sharing moments, dinners, laughs, hugs, dish duty, tv watching, couch snuggling, and bedtime. The second is a reminder that I just had dinner with one of my best friends Izzy and the little love of my life my grandma, we shared laughs, hugs, and later I will watch Survivor with grandma and bring the evening to a close when I tuck her in bed with a kiss on the forehead.
So maybe this is a have/have not blog. I have more than many people have and recognize that the have not portions will one day be filled in but not yet. Not until my life is completely ready to accommodate it. Bummer!
Tonight grandma, Izzy, and myself had pizza. Grandma was so happy with the cheese pizza. Finally we scored with the food she ate!
Through this blog I am making myself accountable for my feeling and reactions. I am cleaning up after dinner and I am having an overwhelming sense of sadness. My heart physically hurts; it feels like someone is beating my invisible twin. Nothing is out of the ordinary in my world; grandma is fine, my friends are awesome yet I can't shake this feeling. I am reminding myself that I am blessed and not to look at what I don't have but to acknowledge what I do have. Though I don't know if the haves and have nots of my life is what's bothering me. This can't be a girl moment. The feeling that I'm having right now makes me want to burrow my head into someones chest and be held in strong arms. I want to be lost in security and be reassured that all is well in my world. Sadly, I'm looking around and it's just me; me and a dish rag.
I guess this moment is a double reminder; the first is a reminder that I miss sharing moments, dinners, laughs, hugs, dish duty, tv watching, couch snuggling, and bedtime. The second is a reminder that I just had dinner with one of my best friends Izzy and the little love of my life my grandma, we shared laughs, hugs, and later I will watch Survivor with grandma and bring the evening to a close when I tuck her in bed with a kiss on the forehead.
So maybe this is a have/have not blog. I have more than many people have and recognize that the have not portions will one day be filled in but not yet. Not until my life is completely ready to accommodate it. Bummer!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Bitter Blog
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
KISS MY ASS!
Here it is in sign language: ___ __ ___!
Beije minha bunda!
私のお尻にキスを！
Violets are blue,
KISS MY ASS!
Here it is in sign language: ___ __ ___!
Beije minha bunda!
私のお尻にキスを！
Besar mi culo!
Pupă-mă-n cur!قبلة لي الحمار!
Polib mi prdel!
Meaningful in Every Language!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Daydreams
I love to daydream. I've done it since I was a little girl. Waking up early before anyone else was up. Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling running stories through my head. I remember doing this since the Groton house, which means I was little. I do it even now. The day dreams of course are much more fun and exciting now, but I want to make them a reality. I decided I need to stop daydreaming and live.
Here's how this thought began; this morning I was awake before anyone else, laying in bed staring at the ceiling running stories through my head and I realized I need to get my butt out of bed and do what I keep thinking about. I want to have stories to tell my kids (all four of them!). I want to be who I am...uncensored. There are truths that I know about myself regardless of what others hint at. I am thoughtful, smart, outgoing, and interesting; therefore, I need to live as such.
Here's what I know. If you love me you'll keep up or let me run. Always know I'll come back if you let me breath and appreciate who I am. I will do the same for you because you have daydreams that you need to fulfill as well, and fulfilling them makes you who you are. Fulfilling the dreams will make us more fulfilled as people hence fulfilling each others life as well. I never want to be a dream squashier or piss on your pony (as I like to say). Therefore, love me for who I am and I will extend the same courtesy.
So this weekend I lived, I didn't daydream about it (well maybe about the Pier) but I lived it. I feel great, it's an amazing high to just do. To go out and do, to live. I want more.
I know one of my hang ups about doing and living is doing and living by myself. I know some people think that is bad that I can't be by myself. What is a short sighted thought on their part. I am the middle child in a family of four children; when have I ever been alone. From birth I've had the pleasure of experiencing things with someone, sharing with someone. I like to share. I feel like I'm missing out if I can't share. I come from a long line of sharers. My parents loved to teach by doing. We would go, see, and do; very hands on. That is how I am, that's how I like to be, that's how I want to be with my family, that's how I want to be with my friends.
In my early childhood I was very quiet because of my studder and my very outgoing sister. In my teens I was learning my voice and getting my life legs (life legs are the same theory as sea legs except referring to life...got it?), in my 20's I was married and lived for us and our future children. Now in my 30's unmarried, fully acclimated with my life legs, and comfortable with my occasional stammer I am ready to run and play. If I want to go to school, hell that's where I'm going. If I want to make a new friend and he happens to be tall, dark and handsome (wink) then tada he's in my life. If I want to jump out of an airplane, you best be believing I'll be wearing one of grandma's Depends! The world is my oyster.
Like I said earlier there is always room for love. Always room to share my experiences with someone. Always room for them to share theirs with me. But how can I be who I've always dreamed I could be if I don't get out and be me?
Let me tell you a story of a daydream that might have killed something special. I was married once. We were trying to start a family. We bought a house that was the perfect family house. It had enough room, a good yard, in a good school district. It had 4 bedrooms; one of which I didn't do anything with. I kept the door closed because that was going to be the nursery. I closed off part of myself especially for that when what I should have been doing is living. I should have opened the door and decorated! I should have filled the room with love and color, but instead I closed it off, shut it down and dwelled on what wasn't there. What a pity! You see, I'm not going to do that again. I will not shut the door because I don't have something, I will embrace what I do have which is my health, my friends, my youth, my hopes, and my dreams. I will live and decorate my heart with color and love. When the time is right my love and color will enhance someones world and theirs will do the same for mine, until then I will enhance my own.
I will never stop daydreaming I know I will do it even when I'm 90 years old sitting in my recliner staring out the window. Daydreaming is what inspires us, but living is what keeps us going.
Here's how this thought began; this morning I was awake before anyone else, laying in bed staring at the ceiling running stories through my head and I realized I need to get my butt out of bed and do what I keep thinking about. I want to have stories to tell my kids (all four of them!). I want to be who I am...uncensored. There are truths that I know about myself regardless of what others hint at. I am thoughtful, smart, outgoing, and interesting; therefore, I need to live as such.
Here's what I know. If you love me you'll keep up or let me run. Always know I'll come back if you let me breath and appreciate who I am. I will do the same for you because you have daydreams that you need to fulfill as well, and fulfilling them makes you who you are. Fulfilling the dreams will make us more fulfilled as people hence fulfilling each others life as well. I never want to be a dream squashier or piss on your pony (as I like to say). Therefore, love me for who I am and I will extend the same courtesy.
So this weekend I lived, I didn't daydream about it (well maybe about the Pier) but I lived it. I feel great, it's an amazing high to just do. To go out and do, to live. I want more.
I know one of my hang ups about doing and living is doing and living by myself. I know some people think that is bad that I can't be by myself. What is a short sighted thought on their part. I am the middle child in a family of four children; when have I ever been alone. From birth I've had the pleasure of experiencing things with someone, sharing with someone. I like to share. I feel like I'm missing out if I can't share. I come from a long line of sharers. My parents loved to teach by doing. We would go, see, and do; very hands on. That is how I am, that's how I like to be, that's how I want to be with my family, that's how I want to be with my friends.
In my early childhood I was very quiet because of my studder and my very outgoing sister. In my teens I was learning my voice and getting my life legs (life legs are the same theory as sea legs except referring to life...got it?), in my 20's I was married and lived for us and our future children. Now in my 30's unmarried, fully acclimated with my life legs, and comfortable with my occasional stammer I am ready to run and play. If I want to go to school, hell that's where I'm going. If I want to make a new friend and he happens to be tall, dark and handsome (wink) then tada he's in my life. If I want to jump out of an airplane, you best be believing I'll be wearing one of grandma's Depends! The world is my oyster.
Like I said earlier there is always room for love. Always room to share my experiences with someone. Always room for them to share theirs with me. But how can I be who I've always dreamed I could be if I don't get out and be me?
Let me tell you a story of a daydream that might have killed something special. I was married once. We were trying to start a family. We bought a house that was the perfect family house. It had enough room, a good yard, in a good school district. It had 4 bedrooms; one of which I didn't do anything with. I kept the door closed because that was going to be the nursery. I closed off part of myself especially for that when what I should have been doing is living. I should have opened the door and decorated! I should have filled the room with love and color, but instead I closed it off, shut it down and dwelled on what wasn't there. What a pity! You see, I'm not going to do that again. I will not shut the door because I don't have something, I will embrace what I do have which is my health, my friends, my youth, my hopes, and my dreams. I will live and decorate my heart with color and love. When the time is right my love and color will enhance someones world and theirs will do the same for mine, until then I will enhance my own.
I will never stop daydreaming I know I will do it even when I'm 90 years old sitting in my recliner staring out the window. Daydreaming is what inspires us, but living is what keeps us going.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I'm not Ready Yet
So, Dr. V called this morning to see how grandma is feeling; to check if she's gotten any better. My initial response was to say, "She's doing so well", but I know that her sleeping as increased and her body is slowly shutting down. I'm not ready to admit it yet.
I spoke with him about her appetite and how she wants and craves foods but nothing tastes right. He said that it's natural and he won't be surprised if within the next month or so she just stops eating. I not ready for that yet.
He's bringing the Hospice team back in because he doesn't want to wait until the last minute. He said he'd rather they be here for her last months. I'm not ready for that yet.
I thought we lost her last June and I grieved for her; what a miracle to have her here everyday. I'm not ready to grieve again.
She's my grandma who has turned into my little girl; I bath her, feed her, take care of her every need. She needs me for companionship and I need her as she is like my child. Watching her watch TV with that sweet smile on her face warms my heart. Listening to her throw a little fit because the chicken isn't quite the way she use to do it makes me want to kiss you forehead (while on the inside I'm rolling my eyes!). We sit at the kitchen table talking, watching her Soap Opera, solving all the worlds problems. I'm not ready yet.
She doesn't understand why she's still here. She doesn't want to wake up anymore. She's frustrated with her body and her mind. Yet she still opens her eyes every morning. She may be ready, but I'm not ready yet.
I spoke with him about her appetite and how she wants and craves foods but nothing tastes right. He said that it's natural and he won't be surprised if within the next month or so she just stops eating. I not ready for that yet.
He's bringing the Hospice team back in because he doesn't want to wait until the last minute. He said he'd rather they be here for her last months. I'm not ready for that yet.
I thought we lost her last June and I grieved for her; what a miracle to have her here everyday. I'm not ready to grieve again.
She's my grandma who has turned into my little girl; I bath her, feed her, take care of her every need. She needs me for companionship and I need her as she is like my child. Watching her watch TV with that sweet smile on her face warms my heart. Listening to her throw a little fit because the chicken isn't quite the way she use to do it makes me want to kiss you forehead (while on the inside I'm rolling my eyes!). We sit at the kitchen table talking, watching her Soap Opera, solving all the worlds problems. I'm not ready yet.
She doesn't understand why she's still here. She doesn't want to wake up anymore. She's frustrated with her body and her mind. Yet she still opens her eyes every morning. She may be ready, but I'm not ready yet.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday
I was talking with my friend Sarah this evening and as we were talking about her wonderful husband and marriage; I had a revelation. I feel sorry for Tuesday. It's like the middle child of the week. Monday gets a bum rap because it's the "first day" of the week. Everyone heads back to work or school and the weekend is over. Wednesday is hump day; obvious why that's a great day. Thursday is wonderful because it's the day before the last day of the work week. So all day long you are looking forward to the end of the day so you can start Friday. Friday is margarita day and the start of a weekend. Saturday is the first day of the weekend, you get to relax and enjoy the freedom. Sunday is another wonderful weekend day full of relaxing, final errand for the week, house work, etc; the time is still your own.
What brought me to this revelation was my suggestion to her to have sex with her husband on Tuesdays. That would throw the world off it's orbit. No one pays any attention to poor Tuesday. I think Tuesday should be an important day for sex.
The name in the story has been changed to protect the innocent.
What brought me to this revelation was my suggestion to her to have sex with her husband on Tuesdays. That would throw the world off it's orbit. No one pays any attention to poor Tuesday. I think Tuesday should be an important day for sex.
The name in the story has been changed to protect the innocent.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Fighting Sleep
Sleep is such a necessary part of life. We need it to recharge our batteries. Why do we fight it? Better question, why do I fight it. Here I am laying comfy cozy in my bed running my fingers through my hair thinking, "I really need to sleep". So what do I do? Do I turn off the light, roll over on my belly, skooch down so my feet hang off the bottom of the bed, snuggle my pillow and slip peacefully away to dream land? No way, I kick off my sleeping socks, put my hair up in a messy half done ponytail, flip open the laptop and write. This has become an all too frequent habit. It could only get worse if I go for the Oreo's that are calling my name from the kitchen...must resist the temptation. (munch munch)
Let's ponder, shall we, what is running through my mind. Let's pull apart why at 11:30 pm, while I'm fighting a cold, knowing that I should be in a Nyquil stupor I am here writing about fighting sleep. Exhibit A: Lack of energy expenditure. Likely possibility. Exhibit B: Geology; seismic activity, tsunamis, distractions at the table and I don't mean the cookies. Exhibit C: Gas. ( I must be getting tired because that's funny...let me say it again Gas hahaha) Exhibit D: Loneliness. What I wouldn't give for some strong arms to pull me close, give me a good night kiss, roll over to his side, and sleep with his foot touching mine. Doesn't that sound nice. Exhibit E: Clutter. My room is cluttered. Too much stuff and not enough space. Why do I need all this? Exhibit F: Body temperature; I'm too hot, I'm too cold, I'm too young for menopause. I'm a caregiver I can't sleep as scantily clad like I'd prefer so pink Pj bottoms and a wife beater will have to do. Exhibit G: refer to Exhibits D and A!
Now that we dove into my sleeplessness maybe I should.. give in to the yearning of my eyeballs and let them get some rest. What am I going to miss..by falling fast asleep. Is it what am I going to miss, or that I don't want another day to come and go so quickly? I can't fight how quickly time is passing. In fact...I kinda like it, but consider how precious time is and am sad that it's flying. This can't be what's bothering me. Give me a break, it sounds so Tony Granata like... So why am I fighting sleep? Why don't I just give in to something that I enjoy so very much? Why indeed. I don't think I'll know and really do I care? I need to out smart my brain and retrain it to shut down after a certain time. Plus.....now I'm losing steam. I'm not clever..witty....or .....whatever. I'm winding down...fading....fadnig...fadddng.......NOPE....wait....nope......finaallyy..pea.c.e
Let's ponder, shall we, what is running through my mind. Let's pull apart why at 11:30 pm, while I'm fighting a cold, knowing that I should be in a Nyquil stupor I am here writing about fighting sleep. Exhibit A: Lack of energy expenditure. Likely possibility. Exhibit B: Geology; seismic activity, tsunamis, distractions at the table and I don't mean the cookies. Exhibit C: Gas. ( I must be getting tired because that's funny...let me say it again Gas hahaha) Exhibit D: Loneliness. What I wouldn't give for some strong arms to pull me close, give me a good night kiss, roll over to his side, and sleep with his foot touching mine. Doesn't that sound nice. Exhibit E: Clutter. My room is cluttered. Too much stuff and not enough space. Why do I need all this? Exhibit F: Body temperature; I'm too hot, I'm too cold, I'm too young for menopause. I'm a caregiver I can't sleep as scantily clad like I'd prefer so pink Pj bottoms and a wife beater will have to do. Exhibit G: refer to Exhibits D and A!
Now that we dove into my sleeplessness maybe I should.. give in to the yearning of my eyeballs and let them get some rest. What am I going to miss..by falling fast asleep. Is it what am I going to miss, or that I don't want another day to come and go so quickly? I can't fight how quickly time is passing. In fact...I kinda like it, but consider how precious time is and am sad that it's flying. This can't be what's bothering me. Give me a break, it sounds so Tony Granata like... So why am I fighting sleep? Why don't I just give in to something that I enjoy so very much? Why indeed. I don't think I'll know and really do I care? I need to out smart my brain and retrain it to shut down after a certain time. Plus.....now I'm losing steam. I'm not clever..witty....or .....whatever. I'm winding down...fading....fadnig...fadddng.......NOPE....wait....nope......finaallyy..pea.c.e
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friends
I don't know the point of blogging; is it to be inspirational to others, is it a journal of thoughts and feelings? I'm just not sure. I know that when I write I am motivated to be pleasant and to come to some understanding about myself and my life. Considering I'm a big mouth I like to share. I don't like keeping things to myself. My sister is the same way; we have thoughts and we must share them or we will explode. Since exploding sounds messy and neither one of us are fans of mess sharing our thoughts is the better alternative.
So, what I'd like to share about today are friends. I love my friends. I love all my friends. My old friends, new friends, friends who are related, ethnic friends, totally white friends, married friends, single friends, friends who are wise do to age, and friends who are wise do to youth, religious friends, spiritual friends, atheist friends, peppy friends, calm friends, school friends, work friends, friends who let me vent, friends who want to vent, friends who want to cry, and friends who want to laugh, friends who don't mind hearing me laugh or cry, friends who have money, friends who are broke. I love my friends who love me because of who I am; with all my imperfections because I love them for theirs. Our imperfections make us perfect; and I love that! I don't know what I would do without my friends. You all are wonderful. Your character is amazing; I'm not just talking to one of you, I'm talking to all of you. Because of you my life is better.
You know something that I've found to be so exciting? I love going out, feeling safe, being accepted, and completely enjoying the company I'm with and being enjoyed as well. It's liberating to talk to people who are open, honest, and unconditionally love. I guess I love that because that's how I feel about all of my friends. No matter the decisions, opinions, thoughts, dreams and hopes my friends have I accept them and love them for being uniquely themselves.
So I guess what I want to say is thank you. Thank you for putting up with me, hanging out with me, loving me and accepting me. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being your friend.
So, what I'd like to share about today are friends. I love my friends. I love all my friends. My old friends, new friends, friends who are related, ethnic friends, totally white friends, married friends, single friends, friends who are wise do to age, and friends who are wise do to youth, religious friends, spiritual friends, atheist friends, peppy friends, calm friends, school friends, work friends, friends who let me vent, friends who want to vent, friends who want to cry, and friends who want to laugh, friends who don't mind hearing me laugh or cry, friends who have money, friends who are broke. I love my friends who love me because of who I am; with all my imperfections because I love them for theirs. Our imperfections make us perfect; and I love that! I don't know what I would do without my friends. You all are wonderful. Your character is amazing; I'm not just talking to one of you, I'm talking to all of you. Because of you my life is better.
You know something that I've found to be so exciting? I love going out, feeling safe, being accepted, and completely enjoying the company I'm with and being enjoyed as well. It's liberating to talk to people who are open, honest, and unconditionally love. I guess I love that because that's how I feel about all of my friends. No matter the decisions, opinions, thoughts, dreams and hopes my friends have I accept them and love them for being uniquely themselves.
So I guess what I want to say is thank you. Thank you for putting up with me, hanging out with me, loving me and accepting me. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being your friend.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Heart Vs. Brain...May the Best Organ Win
"And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us."
Kahlil Gibran, from The Madman
I just liked this quote so I figured I'd share.
I wanted to ramble for a moment. My life revolves around a part of me that I don't seem to have any control over; my heart. I would like to gain control in order to rein it in and talk some sense into it. My heart and my mind seem to have a constant argument about what is important in this life. My heart would love to love someone; truly, 100%, love someone with every ounce of my being. Though my head is saying, "get your shit together first" and "don't fall just for fun". There is where the problem lies. In moments like these I rely on long walks, hot showers, and good books to distract me from the insanity which I can only chalk up to being a female. I am convinced that men don't have these sorts of dilemmas.
I won't get into the differences between men and women, as I am only a woman and most of the time have no idea what men are thinking or what they want. Well, I think I know what they want, but that is very female of me to assume that sex is the only thing on their brains. I also don't believe that. Men are wonderful, fun, and sexy creatures. Some would say they are simple, but I disagree. They are hard as hell to understand. If you're too nice they take advantage. If you're too assertive they walk away. The problem is finding the middle ground with men. What a pain in the ass.
We all know that I'm new to the world of men. I've only loved two in my lifetime and dated only three. I am under the impression that a good and respectable man would treasure a woman who is kind and sincere. I also believe that this sort of man does not have to be told how to respect and treasure a woman. Now I guess my confusion with this new world of men is distinguishing between the good/respectable men and the not so good/respectable men. How can you tell? How can you be honest with yourself once you are able to tell? How do you deal with one once you've found him? I've been reading up on this topic only to come to the conclusion that lesbians have the right idea!! Kidding of course, I'm not that type of gal (shivers).
Back to the struggle between my heart and brain. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need a man to make me happy. Do I love the company of a man, absolutely. Do I love their touch, sure. Do I crave their affection, definitely. Do I lose my mind when an attractive one is at my side; unfortunately, absolutely, sure, and definitely. See the problem? It saddens me. My brain on the other hand has the right idea. First off, "get my shit together". Am I at any real point in my life for a true, lasting, and real relationship? No. I'm 31 years old taking care of my grandmother. She is basically my child. She is my priority. Then of course there's school, which should be my next priority. I need to focus on that, as an education is something that no one can ever take from me. Plus, when I need to rely on myself solely to eat an education comes in handy to make the big bucks! Plain and simple I need to get my act together. But oh my heart. The longing of it to treasure a good man. To put him on a pedestal, treat him like there is no other. To cook for him, joke with him, watch TV and movies with him. To look at him as if he has captured my heart knowing that my heart is safe in his hands. This sort of feeling cannot be rushed or placed on someone who does not long for the same thing or someone who does not want to be cared for in this manner. So I guess I need my heart and mind to work together. They need to come to a compromise. My heart must understand that one day the man who will hold it will capture it without me having to tell him how to respect me. He will recognize that I am a good woman who deserves to be treasured. He will do this not because he will want me dote on him, but because I will be his precious gem. For this man my world will stop and because he has recognized me for the woman that I am he will be well taken care of. He will want for nothing, and never have to ask for his needs to be met. My heart must understand it needs to be patient as this sort of man doesn't fall from the sky and the likelihood of him just bumping into me isn't very high. So the compromise is the struggle. Yes, I want to have my shit together because it is not the man's job to complete me. I must be a complete person and not rely on him for that. Though my heart still longs for love. Still longs to dote. Still longs to spoil. What do I do with that? Get a dog? Distract it with hobbies or chocolate? How do I keep it out of trouble and keep it from getting broken? These are problems that even my brain can't solve. Maybe I should stay away from men. Goodness knows they don't come flocking my way. I don't want to stay away. Apparently I like the aggravation of not being with Mr. Right. Not being with someone who respects me. Why is that? I need to dive into that a little more, but not at this point. That will be a topic for another night.
Well now, the problem has not been resolved just dissected. It must be examined, fumbled though, pondered, prayed about, cried for, laughed at and I need to acknowledged that a conclusion will not be found. I will struggle with the question, "to love or not to love". But rest assured I will not give up on the quest for complete understanding and devotion to myself. As without that I can love no other.
Kahlil Gibran, from The Madman
I just liked this quote so I figured I'd share.
I wanted to ramble for a moment. My life revolves around a part of me that I don't seem to have any control over; my heart. I would like to gain control in order to rein it in and talk some sense into it. My heart and my mind seem to have a constant argument about what is important in this life. My heart would love to love someone; truly, 100%, love someone with every ounce of my being. Though my head is saying, "get your shit together first" and "don't fall just for fun". There is where the problem lies. In moments like these I rely on long walks, hot showers, and good books to distract me from the insanity which I can only chalk up to being a female. I am convinced that men don't have these sorts of dilemmas.
I won't get into the differences between men and women, as I am only a woman and most of the time have no idea what men are thinking or what they want. Well, I think I know what they want, but that is very female of me to assume that sex is the only thing on their brains. I also don't believe that. Men are wonderful, fun, and sexy creatures. Some would say they are simple, but I disagree. They are hard as hell to understand. If you're too nice they take advantage. If you're too assertive they walk away. The problem is finding the middle ground with men. What a pain in the ass.
We all know that I'm new to the world of men. I've only loved two in my lifetime and dated only three. I am under the impression that a good and respectable man would treasure a woman who is kind and sincere. I also believe that this sort of man does not have to be told how to respect and treasure a woman. Now I guess my confusion with this new world of men is distinguishing between the good/respectable men and the not so good/respectable men. How can you tell? How can you be honest with yourself once you are able to tell? How do you deal with one once you've found him? I've been reading up on this topic only to come to the conclusion that lesbians have the right idea!! Kidding of course, I'm not that type of gal (shivers).
Back to the struggle between my heart and brain. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need a man to make me happy. Do I love the company of a man, absolutely. Do I love their touch, sure. Do I crave their affection, definitely. Do I lose my mind when an attractive one is at my side; unfortunately, absolutely, sure, and definitely. See the problem? It saddens me. My brain on the other hand has the right idea. First off, "get my shit together". Am I at any real point in my life for a true, lasting, and real relationship? No. I'm 31 years old taking care of my grandmother. She is basically my child. She is my priority. Then of course there's school, which should be my next priority. I need to focus on that, as an education is something that no one can ever take from me. Plus, when I need to rely on myself solely to eat an education comes in handy to make the big bucks! Plain and simple I need to get my act together. But oh my heart. The longing of it to treasure a good man. To put him on a pedestal, treat him like there is no other. To cook for him, joke with him, watch TV and movies with him. To look at him as if he has captured my heart knowing that my heart is safe in his hands. This sort of feeling cannot be rushed or placed on someone who does not long for the same thing or someone who does not want to be cared for in this manner. So I guess I need my heart and mind to work together. They need to come to a compromise. My heart must understand that one day the man who will hold it will capture it without me having to tell him how to respect me. He will recognize that I am a good woman who deserves to be treasured. He will do this not because he will want me dote on him, but because I will be his precious gem. For this man my world will stop and because he has recognized me for the woman that I am he will be well taken care of. He will want for nothing, and never have to ask for his needs to be met. My heart must understand it needs to be patient as this sort of man doesn't fall from the sky and the likelihood of him just bumping into me isn't very high. So the compromise is the struggle. Yes, I want to have my shit together because it is not the man's job to complete me. I must be a complete person and not rely on him for that. Though my heart still longs for love. Still longs to dote. Still longs to spoil. What do I do with that? Get a dog? Distract it with hobbies or chocolate? How do I keep it out of trouble and keep it from getting broken? These are problems that even my brain can't solve. Maybe I should stay away from men. Goodness knows they don't come flocking my way. I don't want to stay away. Apparently I like the aggravation of not being with Mr. Right. Not being with someone who respects me. Why is that? I need to dive into that a little more, but not at this point. That will be a topic for another night.
Well now, the problem has not been resolved just dissected. It must be examined, fumbled though, pondered, prayed about, cried for, laughed at and I need to acknowledged that a conclusion will not be found. I will struggle with the question, "to love or not to love". But rest assured I will not give up on the quest for complete understanding and devotion to myself. As without that I can love no other.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A Breath of Fresh Air
Today was a day unlike I've had in a long time. I felt free. Free from having to explain myself. Free from feeling guilt. Free to just read and not have somebodies baggage on my mind. I was able to care for my grandma without distraction. She needed me today and I was happy for the new freedom.
I knew that my day was going to be good when I woke myself up in the early morning hours before the sun came up laughing. I was laughing in my sleep and I woke myself up. I don't know what I was dreaming, but something must have struck me as funny. Laughing is good medicine (along with kids...wink). But since all I have is laughter that is my drug of choice!
Want to know what else I was free from; today I was free from drama. The people I interacted with weren't harsh, only wanted conversation, and we allowed ourselves to be who we are. I spoke with someone I haven't seen since childhood. He's my father's age, a long time friend of the family. We talked politics, family, and community.
Today my grandma wasn't feeling well; she had a bad episode. She started off feeling well then she went pale and weak. I sat by her most of the afternoon making sure she was breathing. In her breath I found peace. Watching her calmness allowed me time to experience my freedom and feel thankful for what I've been given and thankful for the people in my life.
To you who have taken the time to read this, thank you and I hope at some point in your life you have the opportunity to sit still and be alone with your thoughts and not be plagued with the shoulds and the oopps of your life. Just reconize where you are, decide where you want to be, and smile. It's amazing how something so simple is so difficult yet so liberating.
I knew that my day was going to be good when I woke myself up in the early morning hours before the sun came up laughing. I was laughing in my sleep and I woke myself up. I don't know what I was dreaming, but something must have struck me as funny. Laughing is good medicine (along with kids...wink). But since all I have is laughter that is my drug of choice!
Want to know what else I was free from; today I was free from drama. The people I interacted with weren't harsh, only wanted conversation, and we allowed ourselves to be who we are. I spoke with someone I haven't seen since childhood. He's my father's age, a long time friend of the family. We talked politics, family, and community.
Today my grandma wasn't feeling well; she had a bad episode. She started off feeling well then she went pale and weak. I sat by her most of the afternoon making sure she was breathing. In her breath I found peace. Watching her calmness allowed me time to experience my freedom and feel thankful for what I've been given and thankful for the people in my life.
To you who have taken the time to read this, thank you and I hope at some point in your life you have the opportunity to sit still and be alone with your thoughts and not be plagued with the shoulds and the oopps of your life. Just reconize where you are, decide where you want to be, and smile. It's amazing how something so simple is so difficult yet so liberating.
Monday, January 26, 2009
So This is What it's All About
“The life you have led doesn’t have to be the only life you’ll have!” ~ Anna Quindlen
Jose introduced me to this quote before I left for my six week adventure; little did I realize how much I would ponder it's meaning or see the truth in these words.
Today my niece was born. Today I took care of every need for my nephew. Today I felt how truly blessed I really am.
My sister has led quite a life; like all of us her life has been multi-faceted. Three years ago she was walking out of one marriage and into another. Look at where she is now. She is a wife, mother of two, and living in Japan. Three years ago she could not have fathomed how many beautiful gifts would be handed to her.
My sister, Rob, and the new baby are at the hospital tonight. I was sitting at the dinner table with Vincent having dinner. We were talking, signing, counting, and laughing. I couldn't help but reflect on how differently my life has become in three years. Three years ago I was struggling though a heart wrenching divorce; my two best friends both wild single women met the men of their dreams and while I was saying good bye to love they were embracing it with open arms. How could I have known how drastically my life would change in three years. Never could I have imagined that I would be hanging out with the coolest little dude I've ever met; and we would be signing together and laughing at the funny faces we make at one another. Never could I have imagined that I would hold a beautiful little bundle and know that she is my niece. She will forever be the little angel that I will be a sucker for. Never could I have imagined that I would be caring for my elderly grandmother as three years ago I only saw her maybe twice a year. Never could I have imagined that I would enjoy eating alone or going to the movies alone. Never could I have imagined that I want to date and not compare the man that I am dating to Jeremy. Never could I have imagined that I would be going back to school and studying the Deaf Culture which has always been a passion/curiosity of mine.
The best part about this life; I am so excited to find what will happen these next few years. Who will be in my life? How many more will be born? How many will pass away? Will I find you/have I found you, the man who holds my heart? Will I finish school? I can't wait to find out.
The life I led was wonderful and I cherish the memories; however, the best is yet to come and I look forward to embracing it and living every moment.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Loves Evolution
I have a short story to tell. To some this may not seem significant, but sometimes the smallest actions are the most significant.
Last night my brother-in-law came home from a long day at work. He informed us that he brought work home with him which must be completed for a meeting the next day. He was up all night. I know because I was online talking until 5am as he was working at the dining room table. He did not sleep a wink. He left the house bright and early and went to work. We didn't see him for lunch and he didn't take a break. Rob came home from work today his eyes were red from the lack of sleep and fatigue from the day. In his hands was a miniature rose bush for Michelle.
Considering I am a hopeless romantic when I saw what he handed (a) my sister I immediately (l) brought my hand over my heart and was in awe of this gesture. He was exhausted yet he thought of her. He was so fatigued that an hour after he came home he was passed out on the couch, but he took the time to buy her flowers on his way home. The woman that he loves the most was priority even over his own needs. That is love.
Why is this significant? I'm sure many people think that it's a husbands job to bring flowers home. I've seen many relationships come and go. I've (u) seen my parents relationship dissolve. My sisters first marriage fizzled. And my own marriage cave in, as what I now can see from lack of proper attention to one another. It saddens me to think of the heartbreak we have all caused ourselves. If we're lucky we've learned. My father has since remarried, as well as, my sister. I know that I will have the (d) opportunity to properly love and respect a husband in a way that I failed the first time. Rob's gesture is significant because it was selfless.
I've been watching my sister and her husband; how they interact and take care of each other. They are not perfect people and I don't believe that any marriage is perfect; however, individually they strive to meet the others need before they meet their own. What a beautiful cycle of everyone's needs getting met without strife.
I love the learning experiences of life.
Thank you for awakening my life to a higher standard of happiness. I am better off as a person for knowing you.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Some Japan Memories
Yes, these are my feet on vacation!
One day we went to the aquarium. I loved the jelly fish. Little Vincent loves all fish. Oh and I saw the neatest fish ever; it's called a Cuttle Fish. It changes colors and skin textures to attract prey. I think I must have spent at least 20 minutes taunting it and making it react.
Michelle is doing great. Her baby Vivianne will be born on January 26th; it's about time she shows up. Michelle looks great and her attitude has been amazing. I am so incredibly impressed with her abilities as a wife and mother. She is so happy, you can't believe it. I've really missed her.
This little dude has become my best buddy. Everyday we play at the playground. We also sign to communicate. It has been such a wonderful bonding experience. I'm really going to miss the little guy. Michelle has been training me; therefore, I've been on Mommy Duty for the last two weeks. I get full control of him when she and Rob are in the hospital having Vivianne.
Well, I think I am a bad influence on the kid. This is me at 9:30pm giving him Ben and Jerry's. What could I do...he said please.
I have had so much fun here in Japan so far. Getting to know Rob and Vincent has been an amazing joy. My sister has a truly blessed life. We are all looking forward to holding the new bundle; she could only bring more love into an already loving household.
This is Shannon signing out for the time being. I will post more in a week or so.
Michelle and I enjoyed a few quiet hours on the beach. It was a beautiful 70 degrees, the beach was white and sandy; and the water was so clear and blue. All I wanted to do was jump in and swim, but the water was too cold. Michelle and I had so much fun just sitting and talking.
One day we went to the aquarium. I loved the jelly fish. Little Vincent loves all fish. Oh and I saw the neatest fish ever; it's called a Cuttle Fish. It changes colors and skin textures to attract prey. I think I must have spent at least 20 minutes taunting it and making it react.Michelle is doing great. Her baby Vivianne will be born on January 26th; it's about time she shows up. Michelle looks great and her attitude has been amazing. I am so incredibly impressed with her abilities as a wife and mother. She is so happy, you can't believe it. I've really missed her.This little dude has become my best buddy. Everyday we play at the playground. We also sign to communicate. It has been such a wonderful bonding experience. I'm really going to miss the little guy. Michelle has been training me; therefore, I've been on Mommy Duty for the last two weeks. I get full control of him when she and Rob are in the hospital having Vivianne.Well, I think I am a bad influence on the kid. This is me at 9:30pm giving him Ben and Jerry's. What could I do...he said please.I have had so much fun here in Japan so far. Getting to know Rob and Vincent has been an amazing joy. My sister has a truly blessed life. We are all looking forward to holding the new bundle; she could only bring more love into an already loving household.
This is Shannon signing out for the time being. I will post more in a week or so.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Fishing and Dancing
Nothings more exhilarating than going deep sea fishing your your father. You dress all warm in layers and wear a wildly unbecoming beanie to keep your head warm. Fishing is not a fashion statement, it's an art; a dance if you will. My father taught me how to dance.
The key to fishing is having the right bait and lure for what you're wanting to catch, as well as, the strength and courage to cast your line into uncharted waters. Then you wait. You feel the oceans ebb and flow. Her melancholy, hypnotic rock; her rhythm. Your lost in her beauty as you wait. You feel a tug and your head pops back into the moment away from your thoughts. You hold the line and your eyes dart to you father. He keeps his eyes forward and says, "It's only a nibble." He's right, there's no heaving tug, there's no run only a momentary bob that makes your heart leap. So you sit back again being lulled by her rocking. You feel more nibbles, but are unimpressed. You notice around you others are sitting and staring out to sea. Then one of the men jumps excitedly to his feet. His line is taught and the struggle to keep his pole up has begun. He reels in then lets it run, reels it in then lets it run. The fisherman's eyes follow his line to where it meets the ocean waiting to see his prize leap from the depths below. He fights patiently and fiercely. Then, out of the water leaps the giant fish. Her scales glitter silver in the early morning light. This sparks more exuberance in the fisherman. He must have this fish; it's his prize to be sought; she will not get away. It's the dance. You turn your eyes back to your line watching, waiting, and wondering. Was that nibble my bite? My prize? My chance? Should I have pulled my line to snag her? Your father, as if reading your mind says, "Wait, you'll know." You take a deep breath and sit back. Once again feeling the ocean ease you back into her grace. Then when you feel your mind wander and your gaze drift she hits your line with fury and runs. All you hear is the "ZZZZ" of your line.
Have you ever asked a fisherman to tell you about his fishing trip? Any fisherman will become flushed when describing the big one. He will sit forward in his chair, lean towards you, and tell you every detail, every tug, every run, and every breath. Then he puts his arms out and states, "It was this big." He sits back and will smile as if he just caught it.
Ask a woman in love how she met the man of her dreams. She'll lean forward in her chair and become flushed. She'll tell you of every smile, every look, every line, and every laugh. She'd stand up, put her arms out and say, "I love him this much," as he walks into the room to her arms for an embrace. She sits back and will smile as if she just caught him.
You never hear about the nibbles, the one's that fed off the line than swam away. Only the one that was caught.
The key to fishing is having the right bait and lure for what you're wanting to catch, as well as, the strength and courage to cast your line into uncharted waters. Then you wait. You feel the oceans ebb and flow. Her melancholy, hypnotic rock; her rhythm. Your lost in her beauty as you wait. You feel a tug and your head pops back into the moment away from your thoughts. You hold the line and your eyes dart to you father. He keeps his eyes forward and says, "It's only a nibble." He's right, there's no heaving tug, there's no run only a momentary bob that makes your heart leap. So you sit back again being lulled by her rocking. You feel more nibbles, but are unimpressed. You notice around you others are sitting and staring out to sea. Then one of the men jumps excitedly to his feet. His line is taught and the struggle to keep his pole up has begun. He reels in then lets it run, reels it in then lets it run. The fisherman's eyes follow his line to where it meets the ocean waiting to see his prize leap from the depths below. He fights patiently and fiercely. Then, out of the water leaps the giant fish. Her scales glitter silver in the early morning light. This sparks more exuberance in the fisherman. He must have this fish; it's his prize to be sought; she will not get away. It's the dance. You turn your eyes back to your line watching, waiting, and wondering. Was that nibble my bite? My prize? My chance? Should I have pulled my line to snag her? Your father, as if reading your mind says, "Wait, you'll know." You take a deep breath and sit back. Once again feeling the ocean ease you back into her grace. Then when you feel your mind wander and your gaze drift she hits your line with fury and runs. All you hear is the "ZZZZ" of your line.
Have you ever asked a fisherman to tell you about his fishing trip? Any fisherman will become flushed when describing the big one. He will sit forward in his chair, lean towards you, and tell you every detail, every tug, every run, and every breath. Then he puts his arms out and states, "It was this big." He sits back and will smile as if he just caught it.
Ask a woman in love how she met the man of her dreams. She'll lean forward in her chair and become flushed. She'll tell you of every smile, every look, every line, and every laugh. She'd stand up, put her arms out and say, "I love him this much," as he walks into the room to her arms for an embrace. She sits back and will smile as if she just caught him.
You never hear about the nibbles, the one's that fed off the line than swam away. Only the one that was caught.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Smoke and Mirrors
Any good magician knows in order to be the best you must put on a good performance. Show the people what they want to see; create the perfect illusion. If the magician is good at his trade he will reap the benefits of amazement and awe from the crowd. He will keep them coming back for more; he feeds their curiosity and dazzles their senses. When in reality it's all just smoke and mirrors. The elephant doesn't really disappear and there is always a secret escape hatch for the magician to pop out of the impenetrable flaming box of terror.
Such is also the case for dating; it's smoke and mirrors. There are millions of single people in the world many seeking to fill the void in their life by means of human interaction. We all know there is a game to be played. Each of us are playing the same game; however, each of us have our own rules. Though it is somehow against the rules to share your rules; sounds counterproductive, very flawed, and dangerous. Though it's not knowing the other persons rules that makes the game all that more intriguing. This is how we become jaded and hurt by feeding into the rule that you must play the game and have your own rules which are to keep to yourself and make others guess what you are thinking while you are trying to figure out what they are thinking. A vicious cycle that no one wants to break in fear of being rejected, kicked out from the game, or feel like they've been played. This insanity makes you want to quit dating forever, but you know that you must play this game because there are other people just like you trying to find someone to be yourself with.
We in the dating world must hold out hope. Find comfort in the fact that one day the players will grow up and actually seek to "be fulfilled", want to find the "woman/man of their dreams", and they too will struggle. They have the hardest struggle of them all because the smoke and mirrors act that they have performed countless times will drive the "women/man they take home to meet their mother" away and they are stuck with the same quality of people that love the game, want to be played, want to be used, believe that the elephant did disappear, and the magician broke free from the 20 pounds of chains after being locked in the impenetrable flaming box of terror.
I've heard it said that one day "when your not even looking" the person you've been dreaming, dare I say praying to find will walk into your life. With this person the wait 2 days before calling, wait to respond 4 hours after their text, be mysterious, be allusive, share your heart but not too much, hug on the first date, kiss on the third, sex after the first month, he pays for the first 5 dates then she has to start to pay but only for the tip, bullshit rules fly joyfully out the window. With this person you can be who you are, laugh loudly, text at 2 in the morning, they call you, you call them, they accept you, you accept them and a real "fulfilling" relationship is born. I know this is true, I've seen it happen.
Such is also the case for dating; it's smoke and mirrors. There are millions of single people in the world many seeking to fill the void in their life by means of human interaction. We all know there is a game to be played. Each of us are playing the same game; however, each of us have our own rules. Though it is somehow against the rules to share your rules; sounds counterproductive, very flawed, and dangerous. Though it's not knowing the other persons rules that makes the game all that more intriguing. This is how we become jaded and hurt by feeding into the rule that you must play the game and have your own rules which are to keep to yourself and make others guess what you are thinking while you are trying to figure out what they are thinking. A vicious cycle that no one wants to break in fear of being rejected, kicked out from the game, or feel like they've been played. This insanity makes you want to quit dating forever, but you know that you must play this game because there are other people just like you trying to find someone to be yourself with.
We in the dating world must hold out hope. Find comfort in the fact that one day the players will grow up and actually seek to "be fulfilled", want to find the "woman/man of their dreams", and they too will struggle. They have the hardest struggle of them all because the smoke and mirrors act that they have performed countless times will drive the "women/man they take home to meet their mother" away and they are stuck with the same quality of people that love the game, want to be played, want to be used, believe that the elephant did disappear, and the magician broke free from the 20 pounds of chains after being locked in the impenetrable flaming box of terror.
I've heard it said that one day "when your not even looking" the person you've been dreaming, dare I say praying to find will walk into your life. With this person the wait 2 days before calling, wait to respond 4 hours after their text, be mysterious, be allusive, share your heart but not too much, hug on the first date, kiss on the third, sex after the first month, he pays for the first 5 dates then she has to start to pay but only for the tip, bullshit rules fly joyfully out the window. With this person you can be who you are, laugh loudly, text at 2 in the morning, they call you, you call them, they accept you, you accept them and a real "fulfilling" relationship is born. I know this is true, I've seen it happen.
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